dancing with the moon.

TRIGGER WARNING : DEATH AND IMPLIED SU!C!DE

maybe i couldn’t see it because it was dark out. maybe i couldn’t see it because i wasn’t expecting it. whatever the reason was, i wish i was paying better attention. i wish i saw it coming. i wish i wasn’t so mesmerized by your smile to see it coming; but above all, i wish i was able to protect you. 

BAM! 

everything happened in a flash, and yet it simultaneously felt like time had stopped. one minute i was walking in front of you, chatting as we crossed the road; and the next i was being pushed away, getting a front row seat to the accident. in that split second that i was being shoved, i saw your beautiful as ever smile, both pained and pleased. just before we were propelled into different directions, you mouthed the words ‘i love you’, and i could hear my heart shattering. i flew backwards while you flew to the right, landing right in the middle of the street. my head hit a lamppost, but that wasn’t what hurt most. i saw you laying on the ground, paralyzed and lifeless. i picked myself back up and ran over to you without a single regard of the life around me. people were shouting at me from all directions, asking if i was ok, if you were ok, but the only thing in my mind was you. there wasn’t anybody around but us. we were the only people on the earth. i lifted your blood-covered head onto my lap, caressing you ever so gently. i licked my thumb, then pressed it to the side of your forehead, attempting to wipe away the scarlet-red blood that was trailing down your face. but there was too much blood that i couldn’t wipe it all away. my chest burned. 

“hey! hey, you’re not dying on me!” i nervously laughed, trying to use humor to lighten up the situation. it was a foolish attempt, but i couldn’t help it. i’ve always used humor as a coping mechanism, and you’ve always hated it. maybe that’s why i laughed. i wanted you to get up and scold me about how inappropriate it was to be joking in serious situations. instead, all you did was open your eyes, but that itself was more than enough. i smiled grimly as i took my phone out. “hey! you’re awake! listen, it’s gonna be alright, i’m gonna call an ambulance, so don’t worry!” just as i was about to dial 911, i felt a light tap on my wrist. i looked down at your dying figure and found the unexpected. you smiled softly and sweetly at me as blood dripped out of the corner of your mouth. it always amazed me how you were always able to smile even in the worst of the worst, but this time, it shocked me more than amazed me. my chest burned. your eyes glimmered in the moonlight, and i could tell that you were slowly fading away, but i didn’t want to believe it. 

“it’s ok. there’s no need,” you told me as your smile somehow widened. “it’s gonna be ok.”

“wha-what are you talking about?” i’ve always loved how spontaneous and unexpected you were, and the more time we spent together, the more i was able to predict what you were going to do or say; but never in a million years would i ever see this coming. 

“look at me.” you quietly chuckled. “don’t you see the condition i’m in? i’m not gonna make it.” you were still smiling, and it ticked me off. i didn’t want you to be laughing at your own death. don’t you know how much i love you? can’t you see how worthless i’d be without you? i can’t live without you; i don’t want to. regardless, i kept it inside. 

“stop saying such nonsense! you’re gonna make it!” i've always hated the idea of false hope. what was the point of staying positive when things clearly aren’t going your way? but just this once, i’ll swallow my pride and partake in it. “you’re gonna be ok, trust me.” 

i told you to trust me when i wasn’t even able to trust myself; how contradictory of me. my chest burned. i went back to dialing when your hand began to wrap around my wrist. i looked back down at you, and somehow you started to look even worse. it looked as if the life in you was being squeezed out by death itself. well, i wasn’t going to let you go so easily. 

“hey, it’s ok. don’t worry about me.” the smile on your face softened, meaning that you didn’t have much energy and time left. i knew you were dying, but i didn’t care. i need you here, i need you here with me. you were going to hold onto that last piece of life you had as if it were your own child if it’s the last thing you do; it probably was going to be the last thing you do. 

“of course i’m going to worry!” i shouted out at you, tears finally falling out of my eyes and landing onto your bruised face. i don’t understand how i wasn’t already crying. maybe it was from the shock i felt when i saw you get hit. whatever the reason was, i was crying, and you were still able to wipe away my tears. why? why were you worrying about me? why weren’t you worried about yourself? why do you always put yourself in front of others? why? i know i do the same, but why now? while i was being swarmed by questions that i would never get an answer to, you cupped my cheek with your hand, your thumb wiping my tears away. there was a lump in my throat. i couldn’t tell if i was mad or upset, but either way, i dropped my phone. it cracked, but why should i care? you were close to dying, and yet you were the one caressing my face. your touch was cold. my chest burned. i didn’t know if you had a death wish or were just that selfless, but regardless of the reason, tears began to flow out even more. they were too fast for you to wipe away. 

“hey, look at me,” you said softly, still smiling foolishly. were you only smiling to calm me down? to make me feel better? is that why? knowing you, it probably was. we both have the bad habit of putting others before ourselves, but i know when to stop. why don’t you? do you really love me that much? i don’t deserve your love. you’ve told me again and again that i do, but sometimes i just can’t believe you. you’re royalty while i’m nothing but a mere peasant. anybody with half a brain would’ve chosen someone within the same status. you’re a real idiot, you know that? however, that doesn’t mean that i’m not thankful for all the love and care you’ve given me. 

“i’m already looking at you,” i responded, placing my hand over your hand that was on my cheek. i’m always looking at you, whether you realize it or not. you’re too captivating to look away. it’s like, if i look away for even a second, i’ll miss something; well, i guess that’s actually the case this time. 

“you know what i mean,” you said with a laugh. with each laugh, a piece of you was dying, but i didn’t stop you. the false hope i was feeling was slowly fading away, but i wasn’t paying attention to that. i just wanted to hear that angelic laugh of yours once more before it was gone. for some reason, my tears stopped flowing when i heard your laugh. maybe it was just that beautiful; or maybe it was because of the shock i felt when i realized it was your last one. 

“there’s this quote that says, ‘when the moon is not full, the stars shine more brightly,’ and i couldn’t disagree more; because whether or not the moon is full, the stars will always manage to bring out the best in the moon and the night sky. so,” you said trailing off,  your voice softening as you began to cry. i wiped your tears away, stroking your cheek gently with my thumb. my mind went blank, and the only thing i could hear and see was you. before finishing your sentence, you placed something in my other hand and pushed my fingers down onto it, making a fist. i didn’t know what you could possibly be giving me at the moment, so at first, i was confused. but once i opened my fist, i saw it. your ring. your ring that went along with the matching set you bought for us. my eyes widened, looking back at you. my chest burned. with your final dying breath, you said to me, “shine brightly for the both of us.” 

your hand fell, losing grip of my face as your eyes began to close. that was it. that was the end. it took me a couple seconds to process everything, but when i did, the tears started once more. once you died, the life around me began to materialize. there were flashing blue and red lights, annoyingly loud sirens from both police cars and an ambulance, and the noise of chatter of the people around me; but just like always, you were the only one in my eyes. snot ran down my nose as well as tears from my eyes, falling down onto your exanimate body. i wrapped my arms around you and picked you up, holding you close to my chest. 

“no..no…” i quietly whispered into your ear as if you could hear me. “you’re not gone, are you?” but you were. you were. you were gone. i hugged you tightly, wishing, praying, begging that this was nothing but a dream. as if this could ever be a dream. this was nothing but a nightmare; at least, that’s what i wished it were. at least nightmares weren’t real. this was. i held you even tighter with one hand cradling your head and the other cradling your upper half. i cried even harder when i couldn’t hear your heartbeat; not like i was even expecting it. i rocked side to side as i softly sang our song. you’ve always loved the sound of my voice. whenever you had trouble sleeping, you’d listen to recordings of my voice. you’d fall asleep within seconds of hearing my voice. i always thought how adorable your reaction was to my voice. 

“oh, baby, i am a wreck when i’m without you, i need you here to stay,” i poorly sang, my voice cracking with cries and sniffles in between. singing during that time was absolutely pointless. i could barely hear myself, and it wasn’t like you were going to hear me; yet i still sang because i wanted a miracle to happen. i wanted you to sing along with me. you may not have been able to sing, but that didn’t stop you from trying. you may have sounded like a dying cat, but your dying cat impression was music to my ears; it was my favorite sound in the entire world. i continued to sing until one of the paramedics stopped and stood right in front of me. they didn’t say anything, but i already knew what they wanted. i saw the stretcher in the distance and walked over, placing you on it. before i walked away, i took one more look at you. i kissed my fingers and placed them on your lips as a goodbye, indirectly kissing you. if only i could actually kiss you. i wiped away all the liquids flowing out of my face and stood up. the other paramedics carried you into the ambulance as i waved at you with a feeble smile. what was the point of taking you to the hospital? you were already gone. why didn’t i tell them? probably because i liked the idea that you still had a chance. i wanted to ride to the hospital with you, but i had to talk to the police officers first. it was quick and easy, i just had to tell them what happened from my point of view and answer a few questions and i was done. i picked up my cracked phone and shoved it into my back pocket as i walked towards the ambulance. i got into the ambulance and took a seat on the right side of the car. when i sat down, i felt something in my hand. i opened my hand and saw your ring in the middle of my palm. i realized that after all that, i was still holding onto it. i started crying again, quietly whimpering as i stared at your ring. my chest burned. the sounds of my sobs and sniffles filled the ambulance. i wanted to scream. i wanted to yell at the world for taking you from me. but i couldn’t. my throat was dry and ached too much for me to let out a scream. still crying profusely, i slipped your ring onto my middle finger on my right hand, right next to my ring that was on my ring finger. you didn’t like how rings felt on your ring finger, so you wore it on your middle finger. i’ll do the same. i looked at our rings next to each other and smiled softly. it was like you were still by my side. the car ride to the hospital was quiet and short. they rolled you off into a room while i stayed in the waiting room, staring up at the ceiling. i know that i could’ve left, but something about it felt wrong. while looking up at the ceiling, i noticed a window in the corner of my eye. i walked over and leaned on the glass, looking up at the shimmering sky. there was a full moon. the moon was full. the moon was at its best; something you weren’t at. a few hours passed by, and a paramedic walked out with a sorrowful expression. they told me that you didn’t make it, but i already knew that. i was planning on leaving, but they stopped me and asked if i would like to have a final moment with you. i didn’t know if i wanted to or not. maybe it was rude of me to question that, but i’ve seen enough. i didn’t want to see you dead on a hospital bed, but i guess thinking that was dumb of me. i witnessed your death, so seeing you on a hospital bed wasn’t exactly the worst. i said yes, and they took me to your room. i closed the door behind me and saw you lying there peacefully on the bed. for some reason, i felt awkward and didn’t know how to act. was i supposed to grab a chair and sit next to you? or was i supposed to stand? i did the former. i sat there nervously for a few minutes, doing nothing but staring at your desolate face, so lifeless and pale. my chest burned. i began to talk to you, seeing as that was the only thing i could think of doing. it still felt awkward, but it was better than nothing. at first i didn’t say anything important, just saying hi, telling you i was ok and what happened after you died. but after that was done with, i remembered something and thought it was something i could talk about with you. here’s what i said: 

“remember how obsessed you were with the moon? every night, you would always go out and read the same book and bask in the moonlight. sometimes i would join you, and other times i’d watch from afar. but it didn’t matter whether or not i was with you; because each and every time, i would always think to myself how much i loved the way the moonlight brought out the best in you. i treasure every moment spent with you, but my favorite times were when we slow-danced to our playlist on our cramped balcony with the moonlight shining down at us. you were always beautiful, no matter where we went; but somehow you looked even more stunning in the moonlight. remember that time i joked around and said that you were the reincarnation of the moon? you replied back by saying, ‘well if i’m the moon, then you must be the stars!’ i got confused and asked why you thought that way. you said, ‘because the night sky would be nothing with only a moon and no stars.’ i was once again confused, but laughed it off. i never actually understood what you meant; that is, until you died.” 

i wanted to go on, but my heart couldn’t take it. i rushed out with tears forming in my eyes. doctors, nurses, and paramedics tried to stop me and ask where i was going, but i didn’t bother to stop and explain. i just wanted to go home. maybe i shouldn’t call it home. it didn’t feel like home. i ran all the way back to the condo we shared. the hospital was nearby, so i arrived in about 10 minutes. when i walked in, i couldn’t tell why everything felt off; but then, i looked out at the balcony. i saw your book but not you. i realized why. anywhere i went with you, i was at home. you were my home; but you’re not here with me anymore. my chest burned. i took my phone out as i went out onto the balcony. i started playing our playlist and set my phone down on the table where you used to read at. i began to slow dance in the moonlight as i imagined you here with me, holding me in your arms. i placed my left hand on your shoulder as i held onto your right hand, picturing you holding my waist and guiding me along our confined balcony. silent tears trailed down my cheek, falling down onto the floor. i didn’t bother to wipe them away, i didn’t care enough. i looked up at your face with a wistful smile, imagining that irreplaceable smile of yours. if only i could see it once more. i wish i could see it once more. if only. i rested my head on your chest with the same feeble, melancholic smile from before. i continued to slow dance with you as the moonlight shone down on us, making the night somewhat better. my chest burned; no, not just my chest. it was everything, everything was burning, my world was burning. no, that’s not right.

my world isn’t burning; my world is dead. 

that was 3 months ago. your accident was 3 months ago. the drunk driver who hit you was arrested, and your funeral was 2 weeks later. i didn’t go. i tried, but once i saw your coffin, i ran off. i couldn’t do it, i couldn’t stay. i’m sorry. i drove off and back to the apartment we shared. i went back to our room and cried for hours. everybody was worried about me, but i didn’t want to talk to anybody. i just wanted you by my side again. i didn’t contact anybody for weeks, and i shut everybody out. i didn’t even take care of myself. sure, i ate and drank water, but that was it; and it wasn’t even like healthy food, i would eat a cookie for breakfast and frozen meals for lunch and dinner. some days i wouldn’t eat at all. i felt so lost without you that i wasn’t able to do anything properly. but who could blame me? you were the only person that’s ever made me feel this way. i’ve had my fair share of crushes, but they were nothing compared to this. never in my life have i ever looked at someone and thought, ‘i can’t live without them.’ but then you showed up; and you changed my life forever. but i’m getting off topic, we’ll talk about that later. like i said before, i wasn’t able to do anything, i was a mess. the only thing i could think about was you. every moment we’ve ever shared replayed in my mind, and to be honest, it made me feel even worse. they weren’t the only things that were being replayed in my mind. there was also the accident. i thought about all the things that i could’ve done to prevent it and why i didn’t do anything, and sooner or later, i began to blame myself for everything. sometimes i still do. ‘what if’s’ and ‘i should’ve’ began to bombard me, and before i knew it, i spiraled into depression. everyday i asked myself, ‘why wasn’t it me?’, wishing that it wasn’t you who died that day. slowly, that question morphed into a ‘it should’ve been me.’ i was slowly dying each day, and soon enough, i began to lose control of myself. by that point, i had already lost track of time, but i was never concerned about that. however, that was going to change.

a month had passed, and i couldn’t remember the last time i spoke to someone. i hadn’t slept in ages, i couldn’t even if i tried. it’s not the same without you here. i don’t remember what i was exactly doing, all i do remember is that i was on my phone. did i know what time, day, or even month it was? not at all, but i was soon going to be reminded what the date was. suddenly, an alarm went off, making me jump. i was annoyed at first, so i was going to turn it off, but after reading what the alarm was for, i began to cry. you...you didn’t even make it to 21. at the moment, i couldn’t tell if the tears running down my face were because i was mad or upset. was i mad that your idiotic self decided to save me instead of yourself, or was i upset that you decided to save only me? we could’ve been together, dead or alive; but no, we’re not together. you know, nobody told you to play hero. i would’ve been fine with dying if i knew that you were ok. i also would’ve been fine with dying if i was dying with you. why? why did you have to save me? why couldn’t i have died in your place? why couldn’t it have been me? after asking myself those questions and many more, i thought to myself, ‘maybe i really am more mad than upset.’ but i didn’t want to be mad. 

i wanted to be with you; i wanted to be dead. 

i ran out of my room and out onto the balcony, ready to jump. out of the 20 floors, we were on the 12th, so i was sure that i was going to die. i didn’t care about my life anymore, why should i? you weren’t a part of it anymore, so what was the point? then, something fell. it was one of the metal chairs that were paired with the table set we got. i guess i didn’t realize that i had knocked it over because when i did, i almost lost my footing as i climbed over the railing. i wasn’t sure how i hit it, but i did. i didn’t know it was me until i felt a sharp pain in my side. i looked over to my right, and i saw the chair on the ground. i don’t know why it was the first thing i thought about, but seeing the chair fall reminded me of the time you leaned back too far and almost got a concussion. i laughed at the thought of it, climbing back over. i picked up the chair and sat in it while tears began to form in my eyes. i looked over at where you used to sit. ever since that incident with you leaning backwards, you decided to sit on the chair closest to the railing. i imagined you sitting there, reading the same book that you always read. no matter how many times you read it, not once did you ever get bored of it. it may have confused me about what was so special with that book, but i didn’t care what or why you were reading it, i was just glad that you were happy. i rested my head on the table, burying my face in my arms as hot tears fell down my cheeks. this balcony was my favorite place in the world, but now it just doesn’t feel the same. nothing does. i sat there crying for a few hours, walking down memory lane. we had our ups and downs, but i loved every second spent with you. we could’ve made so many more, but we just didn’t get that chance. if only we did. i looked up at the moon. it was only half full; sort of like me. i’m sure you already know why. i thought back to your last dying words, making me cry even more. at some point, i stopped crying. i couldn’t. i was so tired and famished that i had no more energy. the fatigue was hitting me. i felt like fainting, but i ignored the feeling. i leaned back in my chair, staring at the moon. somehow, the sight of the moon being half full made me feel better; it was sort of like, it was missing a special piece of it, the other half, its other half. maybe because you’re like the moon, and without me, you’re only half full. not like it’s true though, the moon will only be half full for a few days. i looked over to the stars beside it. those two celestial bodies really do compliment each other. guess the moon will always be full, even when there’s only half of it in the sky. i kept on thinking back to your words. ‘well if i’m the moon, then you must be the stars!’ i didn’t have a single clue of what you could possibly mean by that, but after weeks of self-isolation, i finally figured it out. i had a vague idea of what you meant when you said your last words, but it wasn’t exactly clear enough for me to be able to express properly; but now, i know exactly what you mean. ‘shine brightly for the both of us.’ oh, you and your figurative language. 

i finally understood what you meant by that. the stars and the moon make up the night sky, and if it were to be missing one, it wouldn’t be as beautiful, now would it? if the stars and the moon were never in the night sky, there would be no night sky. if we had never met, our experiences, our highs and lows, our life together would have never been. if the moon and the stars were on their own, would there even be a night sky? if we have never met, would everything we’ve been through together even happen? now that the moon was gone, there were only the stars. the moon is without its stars, and i am without you. the stars will be the only thing shining in the sky. i will be the only thing keeping our memories alive. i will have to shine brightly for the both of us. i don’t want to, but i have to. i want to end it all, but i can’t; because if i do, then the life that we shared together would come to an end. you saved me for a reason. you saved me because you wanted me to live on. the choice to live on with or without you was mine and mine alone, but knowing me, there would always be one and only one choice. you may not be here with me, but that doesn’t mean that you’re gone. it feels like you are sometimes, but i’ll just keep reminding myself that you aren’t. if the stars disappeared along with the moon, the night sky would be no more; but the stars are resilient and care too much for the moon to let the night sky dim, so the stars will stay; and so will i. i don’t want to continue living this life without you by my side, but i will for the sake of us. besides, you’re already by my side, aren’t you? i may not be able to see you, but you’re there, watching over me, aren’t you? i bet you’re watching over me to make sure that my time doesn’t end early, aren’t you? there’s no need to worry, i won’t, because whenever i need you, all i need to do is look up at the moon. so don’t worry, you do your job, and i’ll do mine. give life to the night sky with that beautiful smile of yours, and i’ll shine brightly down here for the both of us. 

or at least, that’s what i would say if i didn’t need you in my life so badly. i understood your words, i truly did. and as always, they were beautiful; but they’re not enough to stop the pain in my heart. i’m aware that nothing ever will, so what’s the point? the void in my heart is too large and agonizing to live with. i understand that this isn’t the outcome you wanted, but you don’t always get what you want; i should know, you’re not by my side anymore. 

forever and always yours- 

the stars