Not A Prose

Not a prose, this is me looking back on the things I learned while being single for 3 years after my last relationship. I chose to look back at it today and write about what I've learned and what I could do better. My last relationship was great but it taught me I wasn't the person that I thought I was. I was very immature, very complacent, very ungrateful, and I took everything I had for granted. Looking back if I was given the chance to redo everything I did I probably would change a lot of the things I did back then. But I'm somewhat grateful for the bad times, it has made me realize that I'm not exactly the guy I thought I was. The past 3 years of being single has taught me a lot that I would have never figured out if I was constantly craving and looking for that attention of a significant other only for it to turn out sour. I found myself enjoying my own company and realized that I lacked communication and patience in my last relationship. I've struggled with trauma and a lot of selfishness stemmed from it. I was constantly clingy and over-protective in a way that it did not make my girlfriend comfortable without me realizing she felt that way. She loved me and she taught me how to be a better person but there's only so much you could do trying to fix people while being in a relationship, and so when the relationship was over I tried to find myself and look for the root of the problems. They were not that hard to find as I was already made aware of what they were, it was just a matter of trying to fix them.

For context, I was really immature to the point where I would constantly need my significant other's location at all times, and know who she is with and the people she talks to. I don't ever use my trauma to excuse that because I know I was wrong, but a part of me felt the need to tell that to her and know every move because I was afraid of being left alone and I didn't realize that was what was pushing her away. I've done a lot of wrong in my life but my relationships with people who want nothing but good for me has always been one of my greatest regrets. I lived my whole life taking it day by day but sometimes it's hard to get over a lot of things especially when you're struggling from a lot of mental health issues. I don't ever wanna use it as an excuse though, I was a shitty person and an even worst boyfriend.

Fastforward to the journey and to today, I feel like a different person albeit still working on myself everyday because I know I'm still not where I wanna be. I constantly am trying to work on myself because I don't think I'm ever satisfied where I'm at. And to be honest, I'm ready to go back into the dating world again, I don't think I have any baggages to carry, nor am I looking for one just to fill a void. I genuinely think I'm ready to start over. Learning to share my space and relying on another person is gonna be a challenge but that's something I'm ready to pursue. I've found myself, I've understood my fears, and I'm ready to stay the course to the path of commitment. I don't think anyone's ever ready to be in a relationship but the best we can do is give what we got to the one we're in and I'm ready to do just that despite still having to work on a few things that I'm still struggling with.