Fear and Doubts and Thoughts
Dear Nana,
I always wondered how it would be like to live in these times. Now I know. I didn't think we were coming upon it so quickly, until it was really here. So many people are afraid, and yet I feel terrible because I'm not. You know I'm not—you've always said I wasn't afraid of anything. Should I fear? For you and for Grandpa, because you're older and more at risk? I try to be, I try to feel frightened and panicked like everyone else so that I can fit in, but I'm not. I'm at peace, completely at peace, and here I am feeling guilty about it, as if I don't care. I do, though, but it's so hard for people to believe that because I'm not afraid.
Fear? Anxiety, though...is it really a good thing to live in it? There is always the next thing they want us to be anxious about. Climate change, social justice, immigrants, the list goes on and on...and yet I'm not afraid of any of it. I feel horrible because they're all saying, act, act, be angry, be afraid, be upset. Maybe it comes from Dad and his Hispanic nonchalance. Not to play stereotypes, but it's true. My father and his side worry about nothing, while I've never seen two more fussy, finicky women than you and Mom. No offense. Should I be more worried about things? Should I get upset more instead of being an impassive, low-key wall of calmness?
I'm not sure. Worry does terrible things to your body. And I don't like getting angry, at least not when others are angry. Perhaps it is best to face the upset, indignant, furious world with that chill look my father always gives my mother when she's upset. Some paz, like Dad says. People can rage however they wish, but I begin to realize, as I grow older, that the best response is a calm, quiet manner and a gentle word.
I don't know what you'd think of that; you've always been one to speak your mind. And I have too, though only among my family in friends. It's hard, sometimes, to keep your opinions silent when the world is spreading lies and fear. But I guess it's a surer way to win people than insulting them.
Just some thoughts from your ever-dutiful granddaughter,
Emi