i tend to struggle with how i feel about my religion.

when you’re born and raised in such a religious family that puts relations to God above anything else, it becomes somewhat hard to part with it.

part of me wants to move on and renounce the religion. part of me is not willing to take that risk and do that. part of me, still, is scared of what might come in the future and how the people around me react to it. i am not strong.

i’ve spent 17 years of my life tied to religion, and as dramatic as it sounds, i started having doubts about who i really wanted to be when i was 18. i wanted to be able to love freely, regardless of gender and identity, opposed to what was being taught by my religion. and when you’ve been taught so much about the values your religion insists on, it has always been hard for me to do two things at once knowing one is wrong in terms of religion and the other, is right because it is a basic human right. for me, i am unable to be a religious person and love a woman as a woman myself. for me, i am unable to pray according to when i feel like it while also wearing the hijab still. for me, i am unable to be a good daughter to my religious parents while also living a life that is ideal for me. i have goals in life that certainly do not follow with what i have been taught since i was young, and it is hard for me to accept the fact that i can do both of those things at once.

some of my friends fetishizing same sex couples certainly added fuel to the fire, and i simply cannot see myself as a hypocrite like them who know that male love male relationships are wrong in the religion however they still love media relating to it. they do not support the lgbtq community in any way. they want them oppressed and stripped off their rights however they see their love as some sort of enjoyment for them. and i cannot tolerate that.

for now, as much as possible, i would like to dissociate myself from my religion as much as possible, though it is not possible in a country which my religion has been announced as the official religion of the country. and while it is hard to explain to the people around me, i hope people understand that i’ve had a deep understanding of my religion to feel so much guilt when doing something opposed to what i have been taught, when i definitely should not feel that way.