Saul Parse and the Fear in His Mind
I was stuck to a musty loveseat, staring down, in a new fucking apartment up north. It was winter, but I was frozen for a much different reason. A horror, like I had never experienced, heated my brain like a bunsin burner. My very nerves were, like, hot glued together, or something. I saw nothing but my own boots o’er washed in static. It was “The Fear” again.
Loose in my hands was a portfolio stuffed with artwork and a ticket to an artist charity event across town. All through washing and dressing and eating I was quite nervous, but more or less functional. It was not until my fingers unlatched the front door that I fell, enveloped in some cloud of fear and pain.
I would have preferred if my mind went wild, shuffling through all of the frightening possibilities, you know. I could make a fool of myself, they could laugh in my face, they could smack my face, they could tell my face to “get a real job” then hit me with an suv. My mind would play horror story after horror story and I would frown until thinking how rediculous they were. Suddenly the thought of me being beaten to death for wearing a yellow tie would be the silliest thing imaginable. I would then imagine tying that tie around my waist and karate chopping my way to the parking lot. What a hoot that would be!
In that moment though, on that mother-loving couch things felt very different. I felt no hope, like it, all of it, was over ... done. I was so far from shore that I wasn’t sure there was one anymore. Furthermore, and most confusingly, my mind was blank but for a faint scream of a woman from my past saying “art is for fags, no one will ever love you, freak”. I was quite lost in this, unsure who I was or where I was. The only thing I was sure of was that there was no escape. I would die stuck to that couch.
With every muscle twisting, on the verge of losing consciousness, I remembered to remember ... something. No- wait, thats right . I needed to remember memories, but not any old memory. Golden Memories. I had to call forth the powerful memories that I cherished most.
At once I saw Jennifer’s buck teeth and felt her soft lips at Movie palace, professor Talbot smile and insist on presenting me my degree, and my baby nefew crawl to the coffee table to stand with the purest smile anyone had ever shown me.
With warmth, feeling like the luckiest human ever born, I gripped my work, stood with a heroic resolve and charge through the door. I have Harry and Lupin to thank for that night.
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