I want to watch you dissolve. I miss you.

Dearest,

How do these feelings exist for someone who has hurt me so bad? You broke me in every form of the word, physically, mentally, emotionally. You hurt my friends. You hurt my family. You hurt classmates, strangers, everyone. Do you make anyone happy? You hurt me and yet I can't just move past it. How do I forgive you if you never gave me anything worth forgiving? It hurts. Life hurts knowing you are there.

Through every turn, I squeeze my eyes shut because I'm scared you are waiting for me. I can't take seeing you again, but no one will ever understand enough to keep us apart. You hurt me in every fiber of my being and I hate it. You have so much power, I want to watch you fall. I want to laugh at your demise, but I'm not allowed to open my mouth. Without having to do anything, you got everyone to sew my mouth shut with barbed wire, ripping and tearing more and more as I try to speak. You've blinded me from everything bad because everything seems insignificant like the world doesn't matter. I can't feel anything anymore. I can't hear the evil in your words, to me they seem like what I deserve. You took my opportunity to grow up slowly and you pushed it into one day. That's all I got. One day to grow up and start taking care of you because if I didn't my life would only become more difficult. It hurts so bad. My forced silence is killing me. I'm not ready to go. I just need you gone. I can't stand to be in the same town, county, state, country, continent, world, universe as you. Leave. Please. I beg of you for just one thing. Untie the wire or unblind me or give me back my childhood or let me feel or let me hear. Maybe I ask too much.

Maybe I should suck it up and forgive you, find your number, text you, love you. I want that. You don't even understand because, despite every sour word and painful hit, I want to be in your life. I want to love you. I blame myself and I want you to forgive me. I don't want to feel so much. I want to have your love and forgiveness and I want to watch you get repeatedly punched in the face and stabbed and brutely torn apart. I want you to suffer the way I suffered, I want everyone to blame you, I want all the pressure to crush you, I want you to be degraded, I want you to be broken, I want you to be punched and kicked and slapped. And I want your love. I want it all. I miss you.

Did we ever get along? Is my memory failing me? Because whenever I unwind the barbed wire enough to speak a single word, I'm told we did. I don't remember it. I don't believe it happened. I only remember the painful fights. I know it wasn't one-sided. I screamed as much as you. I know you cried as well. I'm sure you felt like an outcast too. Why couldn't it all just be normal? None of it is normal. Everything that connects us is messed up, twisted, scrambled, torn, strained, and then poorly taped together just to be broken again.

I hope that all these words have made you think of me, cousin. You aren't my family, not anymore. You lost all rights to me when you told me to die. Or maybe it was when you held a pillow over my face. Maybe it was when you told my best friend that she was worthless. Maybe it was when you slapped me across the face because I didn't want to watch the same movie as you. Maybe it was a combination of all thirteen years of constant torment. Maybe it's that plus the added years of recovery, not for me, I'm not better, it was recovery for everyone else. Recovery I was forced to manage. I am in charge of all of your damage control. I hope you are miserable.

I miss you.

I hope these words have made you think of me,

The one person who treated you correctly

(P.S. I hope you know you've destroyed that forever.)