Chapter Five: To Kill the Unliving
The one whose name was Eloise barely noticed the tears streaming down her face. She barely noticed the pain that tore at her insides. She barely noticed, because she was thinking about what she had to do.
Tonight. Tonight. The last dream. Tonight.
She would make sure that this was the last dream. Some of the five were already gone, but Harley and Jess still remained. Her friends, if that was the right word. Her allies. Those who understood her, who never felt the need to label her crazy, who helped her through tough times. The only ones who’d ever done that for her. Their relationship went deeper than love. Deeper than anything. They were each other. They were one. They didn’t share every single thought, but they shared a body, and that united them in a way that no one else could possibly understand. Eloise loved them
And now she would have to be the one to kill them.
She knew that she’d never be free as long as they were inside her. She was trapped in a sea of what they wanted, what they wanted, always what they wanted. She was trapped in that stupid hospital, where everyone called her crazy. She was trapped with her parents, who gave her those pitying looks, those sick, sad looks.
She was sick. She was sick of it. Eloise wanted to be Eloise, only Eloise, and no one else.
She thought she felt nothing but resolve. In reality, the so-called resolve was duct tape, duct tape against a gaping wound of feelings.
But Eloise wasn’t used to those feelings. What she didn’t quite realize is that Harley was feeling them for her, an endless jar, keeping her happy and free. Now that happiness, that freedom, was gone, and Eloise was teetering on the edge of feeling all the emotions she’d bottled up. All the emotions that Harley had bottled up.
Eloise was sick of everyone trying to protect her. She was her own person. She had to be her own person. She had to be Eloise, because to be anything, anyone else would be wrong. She realized that now, at least, she thought she realized it. She thought she felt like herself. She thought these were her own thoughts.
But Eloise had spent so long being everyone at once. What will it be like, suddenly being all alone?
And what if these aren’t even her own thoughts?
****
In the dream, she saw the playground. The tree. The wolf. Maybe a piece of Nia was still around, somewhere, because this was her memory. While it was no different from any other day of Aiden’s torture, this particular memory stayed unusually strong. The memory was one that each aspect of Eloise shared. It was the memory that united them.
Because of the wolves.
This is the last piece of Nia that remains. The rest of her is gone, gone God knows where. Eloise doesn’t care. In fact, she thinks it might make things easier. Killing Nia would be like killing a newborn puppy. Evil, vile, cruel.
Jess and Harley were bickering, so involved in their bickering that they barely noticed Eloise. Something about bugs and insects and how they’re different. Eloise ignored them. Her attention was caught by a faint rustle in the trees. But there’s nothing there. Just a flash of white. Like the landscape around them is being erased and then colored in at the speed of light.
Eloise almost feels as though she can hear the howls of the wolves. Deep, penetrating howls. Even though she wasn’t exactly there, she remembers them, the way they lunged. The way that they were about to tear away at her. And then there was Aiden. As if his very presence had chased the wolves away. She wished she had a presence like that to chase away the strange, ghostly howls.
She almost imagines that the howls become voices.
Do not play with what you do not understand... Eloise.
But that’s nonsense, she thinks. Just like these dreams are nonsense. These people in my head are nonsense.
And that is why they all must die.
She closes her eyes. This is a dream. So she’s going to make it her dream. This isn’t real, none of this is real. So she should be able to do anything she wants.
She imagines a knife in her hands, a knife long and sharp. A knife that can kill the unkillable. A knife that can kill the unliving.
But when she opens her eyes, there is no knife. There is no tree, no familiar memory. There is only an endless expanse of white. And from the blankness, there emerges a face, with cruel pale eyes, shaggy fur, and deep scars from battles past.
The face of a wolf.
“I warned you,” says the wolf. “Do not play with things that are not toys, Eloise.” He sneers her name, mocking her. For she isn’t Eloise. Or she is. Was. “The others did the same thing, you know. Even timid little Nia. They wanted to take control. To be real. Your therapy has infected them, made them feel unwanted. Unloved. And none of them liked that.”
“You broke Nia trying to fix yourself.”
And Eloise who is not Eloise cried, because she not only felt her own pain, but the others as well.
She is Eloise, but she is also Harley, Jess, Nia, Maya, Mattie... she is them all. She is a conglomeration of a thousand beings, a thousand lives, too many souls for one mind to handle. She doesn’t even know all the lives that she lives. But she must carry that burden. She cannot kill them, for they are her. She sees that now. Eloise is merely the sum of thousands, millions, billions of consciousnesses, as numerous as the stars in the sky. She is Infinite. She realizes this now.
Too late.
The wolf sneers.
Eloise screams, as she feels her very self dissolving. She feels her mind turn to ash, burned by the intensity of this cruel wolf. She feels her legs give way. She screams, and then she is gone, leaving behind nothing but an empty consciousness. A mind waiting to be filled.
Previous Chapters:
https://theprose.com/post/420725/prologue
https://theprose.com/post/421017/chapter-one-eloise-s-perspective
https://theprose.com/post/427386/nia-s-perspective
https://theprose.com/post/429289/chapter-three-the-world-outside
https://theprose.com/post/431146/chapter-four-the-first-interview-prague-2006