Invisible

I’ve never had a single friend. I have crippling social anxiety. I never learned how to connect with people. Now I am alone and needing people, but they’re too out of reach. I'm sure it's my fault.

I’ve never dated, in fact I repel men. Which suited me, until it didn’t. I was afraid of their physical form against mine. But now I crave the affection that I have never received. Nobody wonders why I am single. It must be obvious to everyone. People tell you a lot about what they think in the things they don’t say. I notice this, I am not allowed to notice this.

My family absolutely refuses to acknowledge I have feelings. One of those feelings is that I am not allowed to have any feelings at all. Add to that, my thoughts are all wrong. More, the interests I used to try to cultivate were extreme. They have never cared, why would they start now. They insist that they do, as they're covering their ears and closing their eyes. When I try to silence my pain with evidence of their love, there is no physical manifestation of it for me to draw from. I am not supposed to point this out.

I have no accomplishments, goals, dreams, talents, or even interests anymore. Even if I could go on without other human contacts, what would I do? Everything has become meaningless. Where do I go from here? I go to a professional. I try. I help myself. I set out to prove to them, I don't want to be in this place. I'm struggling and I need others to help. They don't see or hear me.

I’m in therapy, talking through my issues, and it’s only making me realize it’s worse than I thought. There’s a reason I’ve been numb all these years, it was to be able to silence the emptiness inside and carry on. I want change. I'm the only one who can make change. I have never been able to change.

I'm invisible. When you are invisible they don’t let you speak. They need you to remain as you are. They don't want to see you. You are a representation of things they can't look at. I'm not supposed to know why. It's all my fault. It has to be.