My Only Constant

!(tw: e.d, s.h, and suicide)!

To: always

I have known you forever. I knew you when we were small but felt like we were big. I know you now that we are big but feel small. 

We have been friends since childhood, never best friends but still, friends. It is a comfortable thought knowing that I knew you before we were hurt, before we hurt ourselves. Before we counted the calories or dragged the silver across our skin to see a red river flow. Before our friends tried to kill themselves. Before we missed the past more than we longed for the future. I knew you before and I hope I’ll know you after. 

But with every feeling of comfort there is a fear of abandonment; a feeling of being afraid of losing someone you already have because you know that one day you’ll wake up knowing they aren’t in the same city as you anymore. That after years of knowing they were there, even if you never saw each other, suddenly, they are gone. That pillar of comfort that was always there to support you has crumbled at last.

A week ago you left; we both are still in the same city but you no longer are truly here. And I miss you. I feel off. As though, something is missing. Suddenly I am off-balance. Someone could tell me the Earth is no longer rotating and it would make sense. Someone could tell me we were all a dream and I would just nod and accept it. Anything would make more sense than this. Anything would make more sense than you being gone. I guess this is what I was so afraid of. This is the feeling that terrorized me daily. I always thought I'd say goodbye you in an airport, not before your grave.

I thought we were finally happier. We laughed more often. We stood closer together. You cared for me and god knows I cared for you. You picked up the phone at night after the bad days; after him. I held your hand when you broke that one random summer night. I thought I had put you back together nicely but I must have forgotten a piece. We were comfortable with each other; in each other. You were my normal and I was yours.

Please forgive me for not noticing the missing piece.

I wonder if you can hear me right now and I hope you are listening because I am so sorry. I'm so sorry that I let you take care of me more than I took care of you. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you how much I loved you more often. I'm so sorry I rarely hugged you. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you off for your see-through lies. I'm so sorry I didn't you make you feel as though you were enough. I'm so sorry you didn't love and didn't hope. I'm so sorry you chose to leave with your razor blade. I'm so sorry that you won't have a constant wherever you are. I'm so sorry I didn't communicate how important you are to me and how, often, you were the only one who stopped me from doing exactly what you did. I'm so sorry you bled out. I was your constant but that night I was useless. I'm so sorry that our years that are hazy to me but crystal clear to you were not enough to stay. I'm so sorry I was not constant. I'm so sorry I wasn't enough.

I hope you can feel me swipe my thumb over your hand every so often, that the wind carries my touch, carries my words and carries my love. I hope you pop by and say hello once in a while. I hope you are waiting for me somewhere so once more we can be constants.

I don’t remember most of my life but I know you were there; and often that’s enough.

I guess it’s true, nothing ever lasts forever.