J.D.

To my oldest friend Justin,

I remember back in fourth grade, when we would go out to recess together. We invented games of our own because the other kids wouldn't let us play. Our top pick was playing Mini-Me's. We would crouch down, pull our shirts over our knees, and hop around yelling in the most irritating high pitch voices.

I remember the first time you invited me to have a sleep-over at your place. How embarassed you were to tell me that secret. The one I'll hold for you even after death. I remember how flabbergasted you were that I didn't seem to care at all. I didn't hold any judgement for you.

I remember playing with Nerf guns in your backyard. The small, cinderblock half-structure behind your dad's workshop. I remember vividly hiding behind it. Controlling my breathing with a Maverick Rev-6 in my right hand, pointed directly at you.

I remember bringing our skateboards together and comparing our terrible tricks. Neither of us ever got any good, but we still encouraged eachother.

I remember Fourth of July at your house every year. The year you accidentally shot me in the face with a roman candle. The year the giant mortar tube fell over and shot at us. Even when your mom convinced me to try potato salad for the first time and I loved it.

I remember playing the oldschool Nintendo NES your parents got you for your birthday, we loved that cowboy game, you know? The one where you had to shoot through the obstacles at eachother.

I remember every time I slept over, your dad would find a new cruel way to wake us up. It got to the point that every single night I was there, we would try to stay up all night just so we could ambush him for once. We never did succeed though.

I remember boxing in your living room, but we only had one pair of gloves. We would each fight one-handed, and when it felt like one of us was losing too badly, we would stop and switch gloves.

I remember when we grew up a little, and parted ways. When I called to talk with you like I usually did but your dad picked up. He said you weren't going to be allowed to talk for a long time. I never did find out what actually happened there.

I remember the few times as adults that you extended a hand, offered for us to do something together. I always said I was willing, but always found myself too lazy or too busy to do it.

I remember when I got the news you had taken your own life. I sat and I cried with my roommates. I told them everything I remember about you. Laughing about the stupid stories through the tears.

I know I turned my back on you. Probably when you needed me most. I hope you know that it was never my intention. I still valued you as a friend. I do hope that wherever you are, you've found the peace that you couldn't find here. If not take peace in this: you always wanted to leave a mark on the world. To solidify your space as someone to be remembered. You will never be forgotten.

~A.B.