EF: One Star - Would not recommend

My best friend Earl, a grade 920 ancillary wizard had just returned from EF (the Enchanted Forest) and was raving about it. The service was excellent, the potions were excurbulent and even the Maximalor security demons were helpful. And really, the Maximalors are generally at best aloof, they are contractors after all, so I questioned whether Earl had maybe sampled some of his own potions, if you know what I mean.

So I had one of my minions fly a basic tran-lobular pattern and enter the main meadow of the EF. At first I thought we had landed in the wrong dimension, even wizards make that mistake sometimes, it’s not like these transmutation spells come with a full user manual, but I digress. We asked one the Maximalors and he said we were in the right place, and then after looking at some sort of cue card said, “Welcome, we’re so glad you are here” in a sour monotone, obviously someone was looking to boost their customer satisfaction ratings.

We got our bearings and took off towards our destination,the plan was to first sample some of the less oblugata potions to see how they worked, then cross the bridge of infinite sorrows to get to the main potion factory, but then it all went wrong. We were met with a hailstorm of cranial warthog creatures, literally thousands of them. We tried to reach the Maximalor security HQ with our enchantment communicator, but they put us on hold. Yikes. So now we had to throw away more than 500 doses of death potion to make it through. And NOW the security demons called us back to ask us what the problem was….and I told them about it, perhaps with a bit more anger than I should have.

Once at the potion factory, I have to admit there was some really good stuff. They had sample stations for all the various potion mixes and even goblins (dressed in snappy uniforms) upon which we could test the potions before buying.

So once we paid the potion fees and taxes, we set out to exit through the meadow when I happened to glance at my bill. I was shocked. As it turned out, they had added both a gratuity (4,000 drekmas!) and it had disclaimer in fine print about how there was no guarantee on any products they sold.

So I approached the same security demon who had welcomed us and asked to speak to his manager. This did NOT go as expected. Instead of taking us to EF customer service, this wise guy fires up a level 47 paralyzing potion fog, and if I hadn’t seen that coming, we would still be there, dead.

So we escaped with our lives and what turned out to be cut-rate potions. I couldn’t get a hold of Earl, I think he was a shil for the EF. He blocked my number thereafter.