Chapter Five

“Find the things that matter, and hold on to them, and fight for them, and refuse to let them go.”

-Lauren Oliver, Delirium

...

During the drive to her apartment, Gia thought about the possible outcomes of Leon seeing her home. 

There were many ways this night could end, but one stood out to her enticingly. That last parting kiss was enough to put her mind back in the gutter. 

And now, with them going to her private sanctuary, she couldn’t get her mind out of it. 

Visions of the two of them entwined on her queen mattress consumed her. Her hands were trembling so badly she feared she may wreck Verity. 

It was luck that she caught a red light. 

Or maybe not, because her gaze went automatically to her rear view, where she could see Leon’s black pickup, Risa. 

He was a conscientious driver, she could see. His car was the recommended distance away, his big hands steady on the ten and two, head trained forward. 

She thought she could feel his gaze on her, and that made everything worse. The trembling expanded into her lower limbs, specifically the space that had been dormant for months. 

Tonight, it had been on fire. 

In the best way. 

Gia shook herself. Perhaps she should have been worried about more important things, like the fact that she was about to invite someone into her privacy. Someone who she had known for only a night. 

Also someone who felt like he may find a wife in her. 

Her.

Gia. 

Still unbelievable. 

That was her first thought, at least. 

Yet there was a persistent voice inside that was telling her the notion wasn’t as inconceivable as she kept telling herself. As this wonderful night ensued, a picture was painting itself in her mind; her and Leon. Her meeting his son Tyler. The three of them going to the zoo to feed the giraffes. Her and Leon making love in the early morning sunlight.

It would be in her bed, and sometimes his. He would ask her to stay after a fantastic date. 

The domestic fantasies were dream-like to Gia. She hadn’t let herself think this way in so long, she’d forgotten how good it felt to actually think like this. More than that, though, the fantasies had someone who wanted to make them a reality. 

While she was alone and could breathe air that wasn’t clouded with his scent, Gia could think more clearly. 

She had to admit to herself that she was warming to the idea of letting Leon inside. His honesty was like a beacon for her. He was paving his way into her soul and she was having trouble stopping him. 

More than that, she wasn’t wanting to, not in her heart. 

Gia parked into her usual space and Leon pulled into the open space next to her.

She took a deep breath and gripped the steering wheel as she looked over at him. He opened his car door then came around to hers. 

She unbuckled her seatbelt and pushed the door open. Leon helped her the rest of the way, reaching a hand out. 

Gia paused once the door was shut, her back against it. She cast a cursory glance at her apartment building, her mind now racing with other thoughts. 

She hadn’t had anyone in her apartment since she moved into it seven months ago. She went through her memory of it before she left tonight. It was clean enough. She had done dishes the night before and hadn’t cooked anything in the kitchen since. Her living room may have some clutter in it from where she lounged to read her Kindle that morning before work, but nothing that would tell Leon she was a slob. 

Do I have coffee? she wondered. Expresso? When was the last time I even made coffee at home and didn’t stop at Dunkin’ Donuts? Does Leon drink coffee? I didn’t ask. 

That would have been something good to ask. 

What will we do when we get inside? Do I make him coffee? Do I show him the books on my Kindle? 

Oh, no, did I make my bed? 

The worries swarmed her, creating anxiety she didn’t need. 

“Do you want some coffee?” She blurted out, her heart racing. “I mean, do you like coffee? Because I can make us some once we get to...” Her words trailed away as Leon stepped closer to her, his hands taking her own and bringing them between them to her chest. 

“Gia,” Leon said kindly, his tone alone a soothing coo. “I do like coffee. And I would love some. Please relax. You have nothing to worry about. I have no expectations here, except to get to know your life a little better. I’m perfectly okay to sit on your couch and talk.” 

“What if I want more?” Gia asked.  

She wanted to swallow her tongue immediately afterward. 

“That’s perfectly okay too.” 

“What if I’m not ready? I mean, we just met today and already you’re here, saying all these wonderful things and I’m not even sure if I can give you everything you want and undoubtedly deserve. I’m scared of what you’ll say. I’m scared of how you’re making me feel right now. But more than that, I want everything you want and that’s what I’m having trouble digesting. It’s difficult, because I have been alone for a long time now. Letting someone in like this won’t be easy, if even possible.” 

The word vomit poured between them like water from a hose, dripping uncontrollably. Gia knew she shouldn’t be unloading like this in public, but the words wouldn’t stop once she started. She needed to get them out before she took him upstairs.

Leon gazed at her warmly, undeterred by her words. Would she say anything that would scare him off? It didn’t seem like it. 

“You’re worth it to me, Gia.” He said. The way he spoke made no room for refusal, yet Gia felt the word vomit once more. 

The weird thing was, this only happened once before seven months ago. Gia had become good at not saying much, at fading into the background of everything around her. 

With Leon, she felt like the center of his attention, like he couldn’t focus on anything but her. 

“But why? That’s what I can’t grasp. Why me? I’m such a simple person. I have...medical issues that will never go away. It’s made me fearful and wary of everyone I come across. Then you came along and I...I’m having a hard time worrying about those things. My want for you is outweighing so much it shouldn’t be.”

Leon’s southern twang was the thickest it had been when he finally responded. For a long moment he had only stared at her, the disbelief written all over his face. 

Among that disbelief was determination, though. Maybe Gia thought he would realize she was too much hassle and bounce. Maybe she thought he would take back everything he had been saying. 

Gia quickly understood that she should have known better. Leon wasn’t that kind of man. 

Maybe he had been once, but he wasn’t now.  

All he had done this entire night was show her that. 

Had what happened affected her so much that she could be doubtful of blatant genuineness?

His hands tightened around hers unpainfully. “You think that’s such a bad thing, Gia? Or that some medical problems will have me running? I’m not that man. A few years ago I was, but I’ve grown since then. I know the things I want. Maybe you need more than a night to determine how you feel, but I don’t. I’ve known since I laid eyes on you that you were different, that you would make me feel more than any woman I’ve laid with. It isn’t a burden to want me like you do. I see the want in your eyes, and I know you see it in mine. I promise that you won’t scare me away. I also promise that I won’t make you regret opening up to me. How could I? I’ve told you so much about me already. And you’re still in front of me. Many women wouldn’t have said the things you said to me.” 

“How can you be sure you won’t be scared away? You have no idea what you’d be signing up for.” 

“Why don’t you tell me, then?” 

Gia felt the timer run out of its last seconds. Her senses prickled from his touch, but her throat was closing. She let go of him and stepped away to the sidewalk. 

She took a deep breath, then another and another and another. 

She was trying to calm the panic that was crawling up her spine. She wanted to tell him, she did, but she was so scared. 

She was scared of the possible judgement, of having him leave without her explaining, of him leaving with her having explained. 

Very quickly, he had weaved himself in her mind and took root. Whereas before the mere notion of a future with this man was unfathomable, now she could see it. It was there, lingering in her thoughts, but the fears were close behind to consume it. 

Does she have to tell him tonight? 

It appeared fair, considering how open he was with her. 

Gia contemplated her options. If I tell him and he leaves then all I have is this night. If I don’t tell him and he leaves then all I have is this night. 

Either way, I run the risk of him leaving. Would I rather him know and suffer the consequences, or rather him not know and let us live with the what ifs? 

And then the one question that deafened all the others entered her mind. 

What if I tell him and it’s all worth it? 

Then, what if he’s right? What if he accepts me for all of who I am? I already do him; I think he’s wonderful. Would it truly be so terrible? 

If it fails, life will go on, Gia thought to assure herself. After all, it had been for the past year and I’m still here. The doctor’s say I can live a long healthy life as long as I take my medication and do what I need to do. 

If I can live through that, then I can survive this too.

As much as she was still terrified, Gia had made her decision. She’d been feeling weak for a long time, but this decision made her feel strong. In many aspects of life she was considered boring and unfulfilled, but here, she felt empowered. She finally felt in control, even though it could all go one of two ways. 

This was a risk she had to make, because really, why should she bypass something that made her feel this liberated? 

Leon was a gamble, and for the first time tonight, she was completely sure of her bet. 

She turned back to him, meeting his concerned chocolate eyes squarely. “Can we talk in my apartment?” She asked. 

Leon showed no ounce of hesitation as he said, “Absolutely.” 

...

Gia’s keys jingled as she turned her house key in the lock. She looked over her shoulder at Leon, who stood a polite distance back, and smiled through her nerves. 

Her small burst of confidence was dwindling, but she was holding on to that certainty for dear life. 

“It’s small,” she said as she pulled her key out and twisted the knob, opening her front door. “But it’s enough for me.” She stepped into her entryway and toed off her flats then gestured for him to enter. 

“I like it,” he said as his gaze flickered across the quaint space. “It’s cosy. Can I take my shoes off?” He gestured to his loafers. 

“Please,” Gia said, smoothing her palms over her skirt. “Did you want that coffee? Feel free to make yourself comfortable on the couch, or you know, wherever.” 

“The coffee sounds good. And I’d like to be where you are, if that’s okay?” 

“That’s fine.” Gia smiled and turned towards her kitchen. “This way.” 

She felt him follow behind her. She opened her cabinet and grabbed the neglected bag of coffee grounds, beginning the steps to make a half pot. 

“All I have is Dunkin’. Is that okay?” 

“I’ve never had it, but if you like it I’m sure it’ll be fine.” 

It was her turn to give him a weird look for not having tried something. “You’ve really never had Dunkin’ before? Please tell me you don’t like Starbucks.” 

Leon laughed as he watched her process of putting ground beans into a fresh filter. “I don’t drink coffee from restaurant chains like that. I prefer to make my own. Folgers is my coffee of choice.”  

“I accept that choice. Folgers was what we drank growing up. Then I tried Dunkin’ in college and have been buying it ever since, but I don’t usually make it at home anymore.” 

“Why not?” 

“I oversleep sometimes and have to rush. It’s easier to stop then wait for my coffee machine to brew. It kind of became habit for me, especially when it’s just me drinking it. One cup and I can function. It would be a waste for me to make more in a pot.” 

Nodding, he then asked, “How long have you been living in this building?” 

Gia paused in pouring the water into the back of the maker, doing pretend math in her head. “About seven and a half months.” 

“What made you choose this place?” 

She gave him honesty. “The affordable-ness mostly, and it is a considerable distance from my old apartment. It’s also most private here; we all kind of stick to ourselves here.” 

“Was it the client that made you move so far from your old home? The one that went bad?” 

“Yes, it was,” Gia said, feeling her throat close up. “I wanted to be as far away from him and my old job as possible.” 

“Does he bother you?” There was a dark thread of warning in his voice, like the wrong answer could set him off. It was a completely different tone than that he used with her. It wasn’t sweet or kind, but possessive. 

And Gia had to admit to herself that it sounded good falling from his lips. 

It sounded genuine, not practiced or forced. 

“Hardly ever, no. Once I ended things, he kind of saw it as my fault, or that I should have been okay with what happened. The nerve of him to say that. You have no idea how ridiculous he sounded saying those words to me.” Gia replied. 

Anger washed over her at the memory, of how unaffected he was at the fact that he compromised her heath in such a way that she could hardly look at herself some days. He completely changed her life, and he didn’t even care. 

“You can tell me,” he said encouragingly, moving closer to her. “I’d really like to know, if I’m honest.” 

“It’s messed up, what he did to me. I won’t sugar coat that. It hurt even more when my boss decided to throw away four years of loyalty for one client, too. He was important, yes, but to fire me? I guess in a way I did deserve it. I learned then to never ever again mix business with pleasure.” 

“It never does end well,” he agreed. 

Gia looked at him, trying to find more confidence. The conversation had once again wondered to what she wasn’t telling him, and she could tell that he was getting more curious by the minute for answers. 

Her coffee maker beeped behind her, indicating that it was finished brewing. The aroma of the coffee filled the space between them, making her nostrils flare as she took it in. 

Leon watched her, amusement clouding the curiosity as his eyes moved over her features. Like every other time, they heated and made her pulse jump like a child reaching for a fly away balloon. 

She forgot for a moment what she meant to tell him, but when she did remember, she turned away from his stare to grab two coffee mugs from the cabinet above her sink. Setting them on the counter, she slid the canter that held the sugar in front of her. 

“Um, how do you take your coffee?” Asked Gia, unable to hide the nervous lilt in her voice now. “I don’t think I have any creamer; I’ll have to check.”

Leon moved closer to her until his arm nearly touched hers. She could feel his heat spreading to her. 

It was warming, comforting. 

Now she had trouble pulling away to check the fridge. 

Her suspicions were right. All she had was a leftover container of Mongolian Beef from two nights ago and some fresh fruit from the farmer’s market. 

“Just sugar is fine with me.” Leon replied once she came back empty handed. 

“I’m sorry. I’m due to grocery shop.” 

“That’s alright. I usually take it black anyway.” 

“Oh. I don’t, really. I like the added flavor from creamer.” 

“It’s not for everyone,” Leon agreed. “We probably should have made sure you had some before making it. I could go grab some from the store if you’d like?” 

Gia smiled at him, letting him see the growing warmth in her heart. “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you, but that’s alright. It would likely go to waste anyway.” 

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t mind.” 

“I’m sure, but thank you. You’re a very sweet man, Leon.” 

“My grandma will be proud to hear that,” he chuckled. “Thank you.”

“How often do you go visit your family in Louisiana?” 

“I try to get there at least once a year, but it doesn’t always work out that way.” 

“Has Tyler met your grandma yet?” 

“She’s come to visit a couple of times and he spent some time with her. She’s wanting him to come spend a vacation there with her. I want to take him with me next week to the reunion, show him my roots, let him meet the rest of my family. It would be a fun trip for sure.” 

“I think he’d like that. I bet he would make sure you two had everything you needed for the trip, not an item missing. At least from what you’ve told me of him.” 

“You’d be right, sweetheart. He would likely drive me nuts before we even drove to the airport. Despite that, I’d love to travel with him, let him see parts of the country while he’s still young, then he can decide where he wants to go, or if he wants to go anywhere.” 

“Have you thought about moving back home?” 

Gia handed him his coffee. 

He grabbed it from her, their fingers connecting for the briefest moment before he responded. “I have, but this is where Tyler is, and I’ve made my own home here. I do miss my family, especially my grandma, but I’m happy to be where my son is, among other people.” 

Their eyes locked. 

“Like me?” Gia breathed, voice nearly nonexistent. 

“Yes, Gia. Like you.” He put his hand on her waist, the other busy setting down his coffee cup. 

Gia’s eyes closed as she savored his touch. 

She breathed deep for courage. 

“I know you’re waiting on me to tell you what’s going on with me. I think...I think we should sit down. This isn’t a conversation I can have while standing casually in my kitchen.” 

“Lead me wherever.” 

She took the hand that was around her waist and lead him toward her living room. 

Her apartment was a simple space, open platformed, with everything but her room and bathroom on display. Her three seater couch was where she decided to sit, as the chaise she normally lounged in was too small for both of them. 

Her skirt brushed against the fabricated leather as she sat, and Leon followed her lead, still clutching her hand. 

He was silent as he waited for her to begin, and she was taking more steady breaths as she gained the words she wanted to say. 

She’d only ever said these words twice. Once when she parroted it back to the phlebotomist over the phone, and once when she was confronting the very man responsible for them.  

She barely thought them as it was, and her hands were trembling too badly in trepidation at the mere notion of saying them aloud. 

She dropped Leon’s hand and ran hers over her knees. Her heel dug into the base of the three seater. 

Just rip it off like a bandaid, she told herself. Once the words are out, the worst is over.

I hope. 

Gia turned to Leon, intending to say the words with some dignity, but instead they came out rushed and uncoordinated. 

Just like her thoughts. 

“I have HIV.”