The Realization

Four years. It took four years of sweat, effort, and time to get where I am now. Learning and studying, I strove to begin the career that I found myself in. It is a place where I feel a desire, and it is a place where given more time, I will likely be a master of my craft. For a man that not too long ago was a boy feeling lost, that is all I had ever wanted. Sure I had the girl, and sure she was content with where I was, but I could not rest unless I knew for certainty that I could provide for her.

Four years. That's how long my wife begged me to relax from my pursuit, and to simply live a bit more carefree. After all this time, I still can't calm, for there is more yet to achieve and strive for. There are bills to pay, bigger dreams to achieve, and it simply cannot wait.

Four years. That' how long it took to receive some news. A little mix of my wife and I was growing. In that instant I knew the journey had all been worth it, I felt like everything was coming together.

Four weeks. That's how long we were going to wait after finding out. After that we were going to let our families know. Oh I could barely contain, and I wanted to scream from the roofs of our happiness of that little girl. I know it was so early, I know there is no telling at so early, but I felt it in my bones.

Four minutes. That's how long it took me to write an announcement post. Not for the baby that grew, but for my career that was blossoming. I wrote it with a hand near where the baby grew. My wife was almost jealous. I told her that a few more weeks and we'd have something even better to tell.

Four seconds. That's how long it took to ruin that. In a moment of blood soaked agony we lost that hope. One moment, a baby, the next, nothing. My wife screamed and screamed. I looked on completely dumb, there was nothing I could say, nothing I could do.

And it was in that moment that I knew. I would have traded four and forty more years for just a moment with you. To hold you with your momma, and to tell you how much we loved you - you who we hadn't even met yet. If we ever do get to meet you, in some heavenly place, please forgive me for those four years I wasted, I would have given them all just to hold you, even it was just one chance.