The Runaway Queen.

Disclaimer: The following content is for entertainment purposes only. It is strictly not personal. And mostly, unreal.

P.S: Change dialect to Indian English for a better experience. Don’t know how? Just add more yaars and dudes at random places. And most importantly, make sure that no ‘R’ can ever be silenced. We, Indians, believe in equality when it comes to relevant things like these. When it’s irrelevant like gender, sexuality or something, it’s adjustable.

Your Radiance,

Some of you might not have understood the person I just addressed. Well, it’s a long story. If you would like to know, stick with me here. I will explain.

Far, far away, in the distant land of Odisha, where every day tends to be festive (without pretty much reason), a young girl was born. Her name was Smruti. No, yaar, I am just kidding. Her name was Smruti Swarupa Mahapatra, and as far as I know, her name could be longer! Like, Smruti Swarupa Mahapatra something, something, something.

But you might still be wondering why I would address her as ‘Your Radiance’. Unbeknownst to most, Smruti is not an ordinary young girl. She is a queen in a faraway land, where mighty dragons soared the sky and wicked sorcerers performed their rituals. Now, their realm is in total disarray, and according to the prophecy, only the runaway queen can save their kingdom from their menacing enemies.

And where is she? Well, you can see her roaming through the empty streets of Odisha at midnight because sleeping during nights is not fun enough. And then, she sleeps through the noons since it’s entertaining after a heavy lunch. Oh, sorry, dude. Not a heavy lunch!

If there is one person she loves most in the world, it’s herself. She takes the term ‘self-love’ to a whole another level! If you could quickly snatch her phone away and check her gallery, half of the pictures will be herself. Half? I doubt that too. It could all be herself, with one or two exceptions.

But it’s not as bad as it sounds. The queen also spends a long time giving good advice to people who require it the most. It’s so helpful for broken people like me. Her advice can be as philosophical as ‘Just be yourself, and everything will be alright!’ to ‘Why don’t you take photos of yourself?’. I mean, like, that’s an integral part of your life! You have to take pictures of yourself and frame them across your room. So that you can later be Charles Darwin 2.0 and prove that humans are going back to monkeys.

But you could still be thinking, why ‘Your Radiance’? Why wasn’t it ‘Your Majesty’ or Your Highness’ or something? To be honest, I don’t know, yaar! She can be compulsive about things without any reason. I mean, she is still a teen, and it’s totally understandable, right? No, it’s not. Why? I will tell you.

She is certainly not a teen.

She is manipulating her identity. I can be very sure of this. Why? She is too mature for a sixteen-year-old, dude! I have seen her contemplating things that regular people don’t even think about in their sixties!

I think she might have had an existential crisis the day she was born! She might have been thinking, “Oh, I have a life now. But it’s so worthless, yaar. What am I supposed to do down here on Earth? What is the purpose of my life?” And everyone must have thought she was crying as usual babies do, but no! She was going through an identity crisis right there, right then! That’s how complicated she is!

Ah, I am sorry, Smruti. I didn’t mean any of this, okay? It is purely for entertainment purposes and fulfilling your challenge, okay? Oh wait, I didn’t tell you about that one, did I? She created a challenge asking others to roast her! See, crisis! I mean, like, what sort of misogynistic person would do that on a random morning? It will be like, “Oh, I am feeling so bored! What will I do? Oh wait, I got an idea! I should ask everyone to say negative things about me! That would brighten up my day like it’s summer!”

I mean, seriously? If she asked everyone to say ten positive things about her, I could have understood that. I mean, I would have struggled to do that, but that’s understandable. But “Come on, everybody! Make me feel worthless!” is not something everybody says on a fine morning! Not everybody, but Smruti Swarupa Sakthi Ranjan Mahapatra! I don’t know if that’s a part of her title, but I think she will be alright with that. If I could do the same, I would have named myself ‘Chacko Is A Horrible Name, Mr Stephen’.

I mean, who doesn’t like long names? As a matter of fact, everyone in Odisha has long ones. It will be fun if their teachers want to punish them. They would hand their students a sheet of paper and tell them, “Go write your name a 100 times.” It would literally keep them occupied for hours, and their hands would be all sore by the end! Dolores Umbridge would be proud!

And when I say this, never think that I am any better, okay? We also have quite the alphabet system! It literally feels like that game where you help Mickey find the way out of the maze. If Ariadne in Inception knew Malayalam, she would have surprised Cobb solely with every last one of our letters. That’s how mesmerising it is!

And do you know that game where you have to draw something without taking the pen off the paper? We invented that! We have letters like “eru” that looks like the rough plan of a theme park joyride! You can’t even find where it begins! It’s basically a loop! And the best part is that it gets worse!

Anyway, back to Smruti! As I said, she is too complicated for me to explain. I might be able to go on for days and describe other things like her family reunions that can be announced as district festivals and her love of writing. But I have already crossed a thousand words, and I am unsure of the word limit here. To be honest, I am more afraid of whether the queen will decapitate me and then stitch my head back, give me life, and kill me again. This could be the last time you might read one of my posts. Pray for me, won’t you?

Lots of love,

Chacko Stephen.

I am just going to say #fiction so that she doesn’t go far too ruthless in coming up with methods of execution (: