Where was I lost?

I was looking for sophisticated words in the winds which messed my hair as the car rushed down the bridge. It's midnight and with closed eyes, I looked for inspiration all day. But there's a difference between recreation and chore. I wouldn't be able to build a fort out of words but I love my small home.

I was avoiding or rather not ready to come back to prose. The last time I did I was scared. Not because of my work but if people have forgotten me. But the next time I had the fear that my work might be forgotten. I felt my dear of oblivion crippling every time I tried to write something.

In the past few months, I discovered a lot. I came to know a lot about myself and became self-conscious. The story starts from when I started writing. I started writing just with the thought of making a mark in this world. I definitely was very young while making this decision. I started writing when I was in class 1. And the first thing I wrote got published. You see I was pretty used to the notion of getting popular or published through my work.

This year I discovered spoken words open mics and went for them. I loved being a part of them till May. After that in June, I participated in camps so that I could create more writing stuff. The matter was that now I have grown a lot since last year and it's practically impossible for me to produce the same amount of content with regularity. I found this amusing since I was so used to writing for publishing that I felt compelled in a certain way to come back.

During so many classes I heard people say things like you should remember why you started writing. If I'm being honest I did not do it for happiness for myself. I loved seeing everyone proud of me. It was always for someone else. Either to cope up with trauma or seeing this as the most decent way to vent. It's for everyone except me.

I realized there was a deeper issue I have to deal with. It's not about my work or how bad my grammar is. It's just if I feel it's right in a certain way then it’s ready to be put out in that moment. I wanted to be independent by writing. But for that, I realized I needed to write for myself first. It was a feeling or thought I had been avoiding for the longest.

When I realized how the world of writing is so vast. There are genres and categories. It's not the same. I used to write non-fiction as fiction. Which is toxic and but that's how I coped up. I think I needed to realize that it's okay to take a break from anything and doing it just for yourself first. Today when I was coming home with my family. I shut my eyes and lit the window down. The air was fresh and it caressed my skin and face. I felt like it has given me new life. I am not being a poet here but seriously I was disappointed for so many months. This moment didn’t come as easily as I am making it sound.

But when I felt the wind I had an epiphany. I felt that this is my words. This is who I am. I should stop pretending to be someone who I am not. I believe it’s okay to feel like you are growing up the person you used to be and feeling like a new person. And I think it's completely fine to feel this way. We are on a never-ending learning process and it's a part of it.

During the break, I tried a new genre of writing that was popular everywhere. I wrote about race, my diversity, etc recently more than I did. Though I enjoyed what I wrote I didn't feel it was my voice. Dimitri, a famous poet who I met during a camp, said to me that he had to change his entire book in his second year at grad school because his professor told me that all his poems don’t sound like his inner voice. I felt like this is true. My poems might be about what people want to hear. But I feel I don't want to say that. I don't want to talk about it.

So finally I am trying to get back to writing what I am comfortable at. It’s not going to be the same. I have Inertia teens, graphic designing work, YouTube, and school. Everything has changed with time and it was ridiculous of me to think why I can’t write like I used to do last year. I hope you all understand and support me.

I have made a newsletter condensing everything I did during vacation. It would mean a lot to me if you could check it out.

https://www.calameo.com/books/0068383573001ea2f3b48

Samina