brimstone/microchips
but if jesus is still
awake i wonder if he'd tell me
at what age
he disconnected his
gmail from his dad's
and if it came out of a place of
anger or if he just turned eighteen
one day and decided to
change his password.
but if he stays up late like i do, i'm
already feeling this sense
it's
probably not the latter.
when i was nine years old i
crashed my grandmother's laptop.
do you think she remembers this
every time
she searches for youtube?
probably not, but i do.
i've written the same ghost
story book over and over again, it's
the one
i'd steal from the scholastic
book fair and hide; it's
the childhood bible
that i never picked up.
have my parents ever thought that maybe
their child is mad at them?
is everyone's heavenly daddy
immune to this, am i
the system error? is my father's
hallowed name restored?
i have been thinking this
in every different brain in this body
for months, i cannot
close my eyes to sleep
without seeing a hand coming to pluck me from this
hell and drop me into another one.
when i was nine years old i
let my friend run me over
on my new bike.
does she think of this when she
wins races now at college?
i still care.
it still lives in my mind,
a feeling of fire and tangling of
legs.
and if god didn't
leave his son i wonder if things
would have turned out different for every other
kid in the brown green earth,
because if you can't even get the attention of your
dad as some sub-human
sub-god
person thing
then what the
living hell am i supposed to do
when all mine cares about is my
geometry grade and
old gmail
and the search history i've
deleted hours ago?
i hope i can still find it
sometime after this, if it can't
seem to dig itself into a grave.
they say once you do something it will
always be out there so i've
grown up hoping
everything is forever.
that my best friend never dies. that
my grandmother never dies.
that my childhood bike can
decompose into the earth
and see me again someday. someday, maybe...
when i was nine i found a dead cat on the walkway near my house.
does god plan this when he makes the animals?
i'm sure he probably does.