Easier

When the reactionary response is deeper than the stand alone "jaded" we call it numb. Numb to the inflections of our voice, numb to the searching of the cause, numb to what the brain screeches, numb to the reading-into-you-deeper, numb to the basic need, numb to heart aches from pumping too hard and too fast, numb to the throbbing from the inside of our ribcage behind the sternum, numb to the rejection, and numb to the capacity of love I could have given you.

It's easier. You've come to expect what they'll say. Expect the circumstances they're in and how it never involved you. It's easier now. You're well practiced in the art of not existing; of not being seen in the spot-light you shined so daringly on them. Never did it occur to them, all of what you wished for us both, and never did they think of you as anything more than the acquaintance of our hand waves. A simple gesture we personified as its own human character which somehow learned to speak for itself. And it's easier to accept what wasn't there in the first place.

But numb isn't the end of it. Numb turns into resentment. And we begin to see what could be ours in a dark hue; clouded judgement deemed hateful by others because we're annoyed. But it's not a true annoyance. It's the festering monster consuming us from the inside out. Monsters that only feel content when others have what I'll never get. An experience designed by the human condition. An opportunity to feel satisfactory in our own image, our shared relationship with you. And we'll never taste it even for as many times as it is hung in front of our gaping mouths. Our misery looks to expire in the misery of others. And suddenly numb was never the worst part. Because our resentment forces us to acknowledge just how rotted the depths of our loving insides have become.

There is no more heart to give. There is no more waiting with patient hope. And there is no more neck jabbing anguish from that lump in our throat. A fear of dying alone is just a factoid to look forward to. Because with no one to let down or leave behind, it’s easier.