Fatigued

I know that this past year and a half have been tumultuous for thousands of people due to the pandemic. My life became complicated due to the pandemic, as well, but there have been other factors in my life that have made things difficult. The most trying thing right now is that my older sister is extremely sick. She has alcoholic cirrhosis, which means she has liver disease due to her drinking. For 15 years, my parents and I have tried to help her seek treatment to no avail. It has finally caught up with her to the point where she can no longer take care of herself on her own. Because her liver is so scarred, fluid builds up in her abdomen, which then needs to be drawn off because of extreme discomfort. She will look like she is 9 months pregnant before she gets the paracentesis, which is the procedure to draw off the fluid. The problem with that is when it's drawn off, so are proteins in the fluid. With the loss of those proteins and her hardly capable of keeping any food down, she has zero muscle mass.

My sister was a fit athlete in college and now she weighs 92lbs and has a distended belly. We had a difficult childhood with abusive stepfathers and alcoholism prevalent throughout the family lineage. Someone once told me that my the current state of my sister is the physical manifestation of our childhood. We grew apart due to her moving every year to a new state to try and run from her problems. In AA, they call that, "pulling a geographic." I saw her for the first time in 6 years just a few months ago and was in complete shock with how sick she looked. It broke my heart into pieces. My parents are split up and are trying to talk about how to help her, but, of course, there's drama with all of that. It has been many months of her in and out of the ICU due to vomiting, dehydration, needing a paracentesis, being in pain, and there was even a fall. The doctors are working with her to see if she can get on a liver transplant list, but her nutrition needs to improve first. She has a feeding tube now, which should help with that, but this is also the 4th one she's tried. The other ones, she threw up.

I'm scared. I'm exhausted. It has been emotional whiplash lately. One day it will seem like things are getting better and the next, another curveball. I'm trying to never get my hopes up, but I'm worried it's now turning to complete apathy and numbness. She also has been making it really hard for us to help her. She hasn't been completely open with what she needs or how we can help. My dad, mom, and I feel useless. She will have breakdowns where she says she needs us and the next day, she will tell us to not come with complete disrespect and unkindness. I don't know what to do or what is going to happen. I'm well aware that she might not survive long enough to get a liver transplant. I want to be able to go out and see her again, but I'm trying to work a job to support my father. Every morning I wake up and worry what messages will be on my phone. I don't want anything bad to happen to her and I love her tremendously. I'm just really fatigued by it all. Thanks for reading :)