mom.

i tried for a really long time to convince myself that you were never the bad guy. a bad marriage, susceptibility to craig’s manipulation, the sacrifices you accidentally made for a comfortable lifestyle. and it almost worked. but you couldn’t have been there for me in secret? you couldn’t have been there for me when it was just me and you? you confuse me so much. i want to believe you have a heart. but if you do, the fault is within me. but i was just a kid. the fault cannot be in a toddler, atleast not a fault so unforgivable as whatever idea you have about me in your head. i always wanted a mom. a real mom. and so many times after i left, when you would call me i would wait for you to ask about boyfriends, my friends, gossip, anything at all that showed you wanted to personally know me. and you never did, and when i would hang up the phone, the words i love you would linger on the tip of my tongue, but i could never quite get them out, and you would never say it first. all those times in my old bedroom, laying on the cold bathroom floor, my breathing slowing down, the liquor and xanax turning off my brain, i was thinking of you. maybe if i lived up to what you saw me as, the fault really would be within me. and if the fault was within me, it was fixable. and if it was fixable, you would be my mom, and not just the lady who gave birth to me. when i was little, a knife held above my heart felt like the only way that maybe you would realize you loved me. and the suicide note in my head played over again and again. i would tweak the smallest sentences, trying to make it perfect. fantasizing about you rushing in at the perfect moment, and telling me you loved me. and i remember when i was no older then seven, sobbing, saying “you love them more” and you wouldn’t look me in the eyes. you told me i was being crazy, but the look in your eyes was so uncomfortable, something resembling guilt, but different. it was shame. you couldn’t even convince yourself i was wrong, i don’t know how you expected to convince me. you were my first heartbreak, and the only one that i don’t think is ever going to heal. i love you so much. you were the sun that turned my world when i was little. i remember every hug, every moment you spent with me, because in the back of my mind, i always knew it meant so much more to me then it would ever mean to you. i feel so stupid, for letting myself be strung along like this by you. always the promise just out of my reach of finally connecting with you. but i can’t keep doing this anymore. there is a point where you have to grow up and see the world around you for what it is, and i think that point is now. i love you mom, and i miss what we never had, but i can’t keep doing this. i’m never going to get over you, and you’re never going to change. i don’t think me and you were meant to be anything more then strangers in this lifetime. goodbye.