how do i feel?

Pretty good. As I run in the middle of the night through the garden of my dreams, I can definitely say I feel good. The moon shines so bright, I can see every single flower hiding away from the cold until the sunrise. Maybe I should go inside too. But there is something just so captivating about this night.

I feel free. Every move I make is made by me. And I can do whatever I want now. I think about the old times and how trapped I was in my own thoughts. But now I’m free.

I don’t know how I got here. I remember waking up from my bed; it was dark outside, and something led me into the garden, to roam around. I am usually not allowed to leave my room at night, but tonight was different. I had a purpose, a calling. I had to go to that big willow tree in my backyard.

I feel at home next to the willow tree… I start to remember. Wanting to fight those hurtful thoughts in my head, always reaching out for help, having no one to see the internal struggle, all of these were getting to me. I needed a walk. To sit and hide under that big, grandiose willow tree. And that’s what I did.

I feel confident. I walk back to the willow tree, its energy pulling me in like a magnet. In order to remember how I ended up in the middle of the garden, I had to go back. Maybe next to the old tree, memories would flash before my eyes. I get next to it, its branches and leaves reaching the ground, almost forming a tent, a passage to another world, another life. Now I remember.

I feel anxious. I am confused. Scared, even. I get under the tree, pushing the braches to the sides. I can see it now. I can see my body next to the roots of the strong willow tree. Sadly, I wasn’t just as strong. I can see the shiny kitchen knife in my hand, and the open wound around my neck. The blood was running down my lifeless body and just like that, the demons and the bad thoughts were running away too. I stop and realize that they are gone. No more screams in my head, no more thoughts holding me captive.

I felt free. I leaned down, kissed my cold forehead and pushed my eyelids over my eyes. She looked so calm in her sleep. She deserved to be at peace, finally. I did what I had to be free. To enjoy the silence and the time alone. There was something so special about this night. I smile and laugh for the first time in what felt like forever. I run around in solitude, finally free. I feel pretty good.