The Pain of Oneiric Reverie

I've tried to forget and erase my past, leaving it on the side of the road or at a strangers side in a drunken night. Yet still she comes, never on time or with rythym or rhyme, my own little nightingale. It baffles me still, the will of a mind gone wrong, for none but the severely broken would do this to themselves, still after so many years.

A wife, and so much is stuffed and packed and jammed and crammed into that simple word. You hear the vows and bells and laughter and yells and bills and kids... but still so much, in every case, for every person, there's more you don't hear, you don't see.

A man alone, abandoned at birth, loved by the ones that took him in. Still a hole was created and its bottom never filled. Then the world told him to hate himself, to despise himself, to hurt himself, not only was it expected but demanded as right of law.

So he did, he hated and reviled, cursed and cut, gorged and ripped, until the sneer he saw in the mirror was as natural as his hazel eyes, the ones filled with hate. He grew and set that lesson, etching it into his very soul, carrying it with him as he left.

It was in the desert he heard her call and refused to believe her honesty. She spoke of blasphemy every time they talked, he was deserving of love, he was handsome and smart and everything he knew he was not.

She widdled and weaseled, broke and crashed, struck and hammered until those walls had come down. All this is contained in that one word, and all the warmth and love she brought to that man, until the sun set once again, and the world laughed.

He had ruined the one good thing that'd ever noticed him. With lazyness and arrogance, pride and sloth, he wore at the thing that had saved him. Until she left for another, one that was better, for surely all are better than this man.

It's a fate he deserved and deserves still, so why is he shocked when she visits his dreams, coming with warmth and coquettish smiles and love, only to leave him freezing in the morning light, tear stained pillows the only comfort left.