sometimes i just want to drop the symbolism
and just empty my head
the real and the bitter, like black coffee--
see? there i go again
you should know that i love mornings
i like cooking fried eggs and opening windows
while fog still hovers over the sidewalks
i like cleaning and sipping water from a glass
before the world wakes up
i like morning voices and sleepy eyes
i like the patience of mornings
those mornings when you've nowhere to be
or perhaps somewhere, but without panic
i feel happiest during the hours in which
the sky is still waking up from the night
i feel prettiest in the post-sunrise light
golden and warm, or perhaps blue with rain
which may be just as lovely
you should know that i hate afternoons
i hate being in between meals,
hungry but hungrier for a better body
itching all over, hair greasy from touching it constantly
tucking it behind my ears, twisting it in my fingers
feeling warm and sticky and wishing it would pour rain
because then my hair would be wet
and it would be cool on my feverish skin
i hate the monotony, the mediocrity
i hate not knowing what to do with extra minutes
and always wasting them waiting for dusk
you should know that at night i become a monster
i do enjoy nighttime, i think
but i become someone-- something-- entirely new
i cry and rarely know why
i think and think and feel all the things
i somehow wasn't able to feel in daylight
i desperately crave notifications
attention from whichever person
on my mind at the time
it's unfair to them, my fleeting infatuation
but all i want is a feeling, a sensation
and then i move on, and i'm sorry
that i'm this way
but when the sun has long set
so has my optimism
and i think about dying
my mind fixates on the space between
the top of the high school bleachers and the dirt,
the top of a building and the sidewalk
but i know i will wake up in the morning
and wonder how one could ever think about such things
when there is so much beauty in living
i am two different people
every morning, every night
and i am always switching between
back and forth
from dancing to wondering if i even deserve to dance
how do you ask for help when the other half of you is a stranger?