Behind the Scenes

Right, so that little joke right there is how I laugh off anger.

Hi all, welcome to The Weird where we step into the mind of a functional member of society to figure out how they do it. You may ask, "Do what?" Just know this episode isn't for you.

The day starts like most days, sleeping in until the utterly last possible moment. Now, therapists might worry about chronic insomnia and its impact on mood regulation and future cognitive decline, but we're going to write this off to our coworkers as "not being a morning person" which is a more common and less dreadful sounding condition. Moving on.

Coffee, or the socially acceptable form of chemical dependence, comes next. Fun fact: stimulants can act as antidepressants for some people. We won't talk about the meteoric rise in coffee consumption along with mental health issues. It's probably not a causal link. Whatever those are. Coffee up! Remember to use cute mugs to feel even more vindicated in your addiction.

Next, log in to deal with the people. Technically you had to deal with the person you lived with before now but after two years in lockdown they're quite over you and again, you're not a morning person. That one perky morning person at work will immediately latch onto you. You will smile and put up with them because their mental stability is barely better than yours and emotional anchors these days are more like bumper cars, take your boosts where you can get them.

Next proceed to fall into habitual unhealthy patterns of stress addiction - your other socially accepted vice - and get things done. Nobody cares how so long as you do, so a few breaks here and there to stretch, wrangle pets, get yelled at by your grouchy lockdown partner, eat, fetch more coffee, and so forth, will make the wasted hours of your life lass more quickly before your existential dread can set in. This is vitally important to your day.

After work you clock out and refocus on food, your one unhealthy coping mechanism you've desperately spent a lifetime trying to get a better grasp on by teaching yourself to cook, good on you, not that your grouchy housemate cared other than to bitch that you create more dishes. You also do dishes. Then watch something funny and geeky while you eat, which again isn't healthy but it beats trying to engage in conversation with the ungrateful prat who literally gets all his meals made for him yet still finds shit to complain about.

After food and shows - which said negative bastard will watch until suddenly they're "mindless drivel" he's only bothering with for your benefit - you will turn to your second computer and attempt to find connections to people who don't make you feel taken for granted or mindless, either by chatting with old friends via social media or watching some funny short videos whilst secretly dreaming of a van life, on the road and away from this building you barely afforded that has now doubled in value to where you could never afford it now. Then laugh to yourself how all your money goes to fixing the shack from the fifties up until there's none left for a real vacation, like the one you haven't had in probably five years now. Not that anyone's counting. Your partner never needs them, why should you.

After you waste another evening on wishful thinking and unfulfilled plans, maybe some creative distractions or games to round out the night, go take your libido-killing antidepressants - the real ones now, not the stims - and some melatonin supplements to kick off your sleep hygiene routine. It's important to try, even if you'll wake up inevitably in four hours anyway. Like the health coach said after your therapist put you on meds then ditched you, you're just going through a transition period. Keeping habits is vital to your body eventually getting back on track naturally. One day you'll get back to your self care regimen, and things will be better.

For now though you take your pills, say goodnight with a fifty percent chance of hearing it back, and climb into the second bed as you have for who knows how many months now, they all blend together. Maybe you'll dream of happier things if you manage enough REM to dream at all. Most likely you'll be up at 3 AM fetching more tea and trying breathing exercises that barely contain the tears.

Which is fine because as everyone knows, you're "not a morning person" - which is arguably much better than the other labels you've worn over the years - and this is just another transition period. You'll get through it.

Because "functional" isn't just a therapy standard - it's a survival trait.

And tomorrow nobody will care how you get your shit done.