i will write and rewrite this over and over again until it’s exactly as painful as you made me feel. i may never even finish the piece. Here

I’d forgotten you existed!

The very one that shattered me at one time.

I think back, or forward really just with memories, and I remember how incredibly cruel you were… how violently you broke me.

I would wait, wait. On edge. On edges of beds that you would drunkenly push me onto. On edges of passenger seats because you locked the car doors so I couldn’t get out. Edges of cliffs you made me want to jump off of. I would wait. Wait for any moment that you might look me in the eye with ones that weren’t evil. I waited for your mouth to say something that didn’t indicate my death was encouraged. I waited for the man I thought you were to show up.

I remember how incredibly cruel you were. I wondered if you even wondered what it would be like to be kind. I remember I prayed at night that you would say to me “I don’t want you to die”. But you left me to it! You did.

I didn’t die though.

Almost.

But not fully.

It’s a big thing—almost dying and actually dying.

It’s not close like light blue and sky blue.

It’s different hues on the scale.

There's the almost dying and coming back to life, me.

There's the almost dying and stay dead inside, you.

I smile at what I know I'd hear about you, if I ever remembered to waste my time asking about scum. I know nothing will have changed. Kind under pressure. Evil under cover. Having mommy save your ass. Having daddy save your cash.

But your brother. He's real. He's different than you - he said, and i quote, "He never deserved you."

I’d forgotten you’d even existed! Ever!

Dear John,

Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll get to see how much better my very own existence is ever since you blessed me with your absence.