The Second Bird

I don't have a fantasy. I have many. And they float around my mind -- my skull is overflowing. My dreams are pushing my eyes. They wish to render me blind or comatose. To hold me down in my subconscious. So many hands and they're all mine. Begging me to say -- trying to save me or end me. I can't wake up some mornings. I mean it. Dreams in dreams in dreams. Inception. And they spill over into my reality. And trap me. I wake up with tears in my eyes or a scream in my throat and there's always pain. Some sort of heartbreak I cannot remember. It plagues me. They all do. The ghosts of friends and lovers past. Opportunities wasted.

Some are sweet though. Absolutely blissful. And they always end. I never want to revisit them -- I won't be able to escape again. But to have my memories. To smile the way that doppelganger does. To finally live a life outside of this cave. To no longer be some sort of Medusa. I cannot hold my eyes to yours or anyone's for long. Not for fear of your pain, but of mine. Imagine - a curse that turns the cursed to stone should they look you in the eye. Pitiful, that life must be. Glory be that curses are fiction. Save that they are not. Curses are everywhere. I would gladly wager my waking life that you too are cursed. Yes, you. Mine is far from an uncommon affliction. That might make worse, truly. To know so many share this curse and be too far gone -- too deteriorated -- to see beyond my edition but still only taste guilt. My degree of this plague. A plague does not sum it up quite right, no. A sort of abscess. A plague of an excess, even. Look how it kills. So normal. You have it too. Perhaps not in such a great degree. Or maybe you have the most.

Look at yourself. My shortness. My vagueness. Yes, I am talking to you. Are you hot yet? Sweating? Is your heart racing? Has hell frozen down your spine? Are you tense? I sure hope you are. If you aren't, I most certainly have done something wrong. But when is that not the case... I hope you're in your head. And then you will see. For sure. Just sit. Look through the windows -- see how distant everything is even though you are physically at the center of it all -- look through the mess on the floor. Old photos, that song you never did manage to learn the name of, keys to doors you mean to explore. Explore with me. Let me take you on a tour of this place. I see you. I do indeed. But stop looking around. You look plain silly. I cannot actually see you. Sometimes, I'm convinced I can't actually see. But no, I can today and you are just a cloud. A fog that only mildly resembles a person. I could reach out for you and you would only feel desperation. Humour me then, manifest - if you will - a hand in yours. A cold, almost dead hand. Don't worry, I'm not quite a ghost yet. Wrap your fingers around my hand. My skin is soft, only slightly dry. I'm very clean, don't you mind. Now follow me -- I want to show you my head.

Please, ignore the mess. Walk around, walk through, or walk on those over there. I don't mind. I suppose it is something of a fire hazard in here; I do apologize, I have been up here a lot more than usual recently. Look out for pins and wet paint. I'm afraid I had a bit of an episode in here and I just haven't gotten to cleaning after myself. Tis alright though, you can't get hurt here. I made sure of it. Despite my jokes, I am not harmless and can even pose a threat to you. So, whatever you do, just don't... just don't... please just... I forgot what you must avoid. Perhaps I'm not that dangerous then. How curious. Anyway, follow me, if you please. There's a room you might appreciate. I do hope you enjoy music -- this room is full of it. -- You seem surprised. Of course it's full of music. You can swim in it, drink it up, walk on it, hold it, even just smell it. Here, drink this. Oh, this? The glass didn't come from anywhere, I just summoned it for you. Now sip. It's one of my favourite songs. There's a mild aftertaste. That's okay. You might find it bitter. Maybe salty. I assure you it's not seawater. That's just tears. Oh, I'm not certain if they're mine or the singer's. Sorry, I forgot to warn you. It will burn going down. That's the instrumental -- there's a swell of anger but you'll find it settles to a fuzzy sort of warmth. See? You don't understand why you're here though, do you? I anticipated that. It seems so nice here, doesn't it? Tell me, are you warm or are you cold? Right, of course you're warm. Because of the song. Right then, let's go cool you down. I've got a room I ought to show you anyhow. Two birds, one stone. I wonder if people used to hunt birds with stones. Slings and stones, I mean. Terrifying accuracy. Oh here we are. It usually does not take that long to get here. Strange. That hasn't happened in ages. Oh well. In we go. Keeping the door open for too long will um let the cool air escape. Like a fridge in a power outage. Exactly! That is why the lights are off. Hm? Oh there aren't any lights in here. It's just white. Like - Like a proper icebox. Huh, I suppose that is why I'm always so cold. I'm not in here very often... not technically. Oh... oh no. Actually, it's nothing wrong. It's just the second bird. Oh bugger, even I didn't expect an actual bird. I'm not certain, I doubt it's not a real bird. It's a beast of my mind -- I... I made that. Oh I can't just unmake it. I can only forget about it or lock it in here but I've gone and and... The door. I've done it again. I only meant some of this. This is utterly-- I am sincerely sorry. It's about to get very loud and even colder. I wish I could get you out but I- it just- just- oh please just stop. No, not you. Yes. Please. Oh god. Sorry, sorry, sorry. What? I can't hear you. You can't hear that? You can't?? God, I failed. I failed. Shut up, I know I know I know. You need to wake up. Right now. Open your eyes, let go of my hand please. Please, you won't be able to leave. I... The world... My mind... it's turning to stone again. I'm so so very sorry. I really did- do... I do want to share this place with you but maybe I don't? I didn't mean to lie. I'm so very sorry, but only really? You need to leave. Go. Please... come back. Or don't. Just don't.