Brain dump.

~I've been having violent dreams recently. Whether it's me watching a grown man rip apart a child's face, watching a live streamer saw his head in half vertically, exposing his brain, tongue, and eyes for some stupid popular challenge, or beating and trying to drown a child with my own hands because the people that the child belonged to were trying to hunt me. I don't wake up scared, but I do feel disturbed.

~I'm severely depressed and because of this, I don't leave my room, eat, or socialize with anyone (including my family). I feel like a piece of shit for it. My sister had just given birth a few days ago and I didn't congratulate her, check up on her, help with any chores around the house, or even go to meet the baby for almost a week and I LIVE with them. I feel horrible and guilty, but I can't force myself to even leave my bed to feed myself. I haven't told anyone in my family. I just let them hate me and talk shit about me, which doesn't help with the depression, but I'm incapable of asking for help. Either way, it doesn't matter. I've been given a couple months to pack up my things and find somewhere else to live.

~I don't want to die. I don't hurt myself and I don't plan on killing myself, but I'm tired of everything. I don't want to work or go to school or even exist. I know no one is going to save or help me, but I hate the fact that I can't even save myself. I don't even know where to begin to try.

~I have no idea where I want to live. No clue if I should move to a different state or not as I had just moved 3,000 miles with my family from the west coast to the east and now I have to leave again. I don't have money or friends to room with so I'm trying to find a cheap enough place to go with decent weather, but damn it's fucking hard.

~I quit college and I hate my job. But I can't find another job that pays as high as the one I have for no education or much experience. However, the job is not good for my mental health at all.

~I'm scared while also numb. How long will this last? How long will I last? Fuck it.