Playback. Delete. And Rewind.

Despite how my mind and definition of success has changed over the years, I always find myself in that same field surrounded by a thicket of oak, elm and poplar trees. The very moment I close my eyes, I can hear the sound of strong winds forcing its way through lush, green treetops and dancing through meadows of long grass and wildflowers. And each time, just before I can feel that breeze on my face, my eyes open and I’m staring at some sort of screen. It’s almost troublesome how it happens no matter my surroundings. Just from that description, one would assume this continuous fantasy I have would be to be one with nature, but that’s not it. It’s the romanticization of starting over.

I like technology and I do enjoy my screens, but it makes life intangible; even a camera can’t catch the moon in the way my eyes behold it. In that same sense, the digital realm could never capture the real subtleties of a person. Social media can’t capture feelings in the same way that socializing can. I dream of a home for myself and my tribe. I haven’t met them all, but I would hope my people would find me in this little neighborhood that hides behind my eyelids and just out of reach.

I want to grow food to feed any living thing that needs it. I dream of front yards covered in vegetables and fruits, ripe for the taking. I dream of trading goods to keep my community alive and well. I dream that no one goes hungry and that anything mother nature provides she’s thanked for. The way we began. The way we appreciated what was provided for us with each prayer and manifestation that slipped past suffering lips. I idealize the past with the same connection of lovers who can never reach eachother. Hindsight and common sense weigh on my heart and shoulders to remind me that this love is unrequited and impossible to obtain. Slipping through my fingers identical to the way of water.

Every day, I’m reminded that this is impossible with the rules our society has set. Everyone is busy trying to survive. There’s no way out, but each time I close my eyes, I’m that much closer.