Once Upon A Valentine

I cradle my heart in my arms. She looks up at me and I know I am loved. Her long lashes tickle my skin as she finishes her feed. I lift her away from me and am saddened by the absence of her warmth. She is now too full and contented to notice her missing mother. Fighting my selfish impulses to keep her awake, make her stay with me, I lay her down in her crib. She is safe here. She can rest.

I too try to rest. But my heart is hurting. It is February 14th - Valentine's Day. It's been at least one more year than the five Ryan and I have been together since I last received so much as a card. He protests the commercial absurdity of the made-up holiday. I pretend to agree with him. I pretend it doesn't hurt watching my girlfriends accept ginormous bouquets of roses, but aren't all holidays made-up?

I am shaken from my brooding by the onslaught of my phone vibrating. I had put it on silent so as not to wake the baby - should have checked the vibrate setting. The buzzing device rocks itself to the edge of the table and crashes to the floor. She is crying before I can hit 'answer.'

'Hi Gorgeous, you okay?'

'Yep, er,' WAAAHHHHHHHH, 'I'm afraid I can't hear you very well.'

'Sorry..[inaudible]..I wake her?'

'Don't worry, it's just nice to hear from you.'

I scoop her up and place her on my shoulder. I bounce her gently and readjust the phone in hopes of hearing her daddy better. My efforts are futile.

'...just wondering...cinema...tonight...okay?'

'Really?' My heart lifts. I don't need a cheesy card or garage-bought flowers to watch die, I need him. She must have sensed the happiness within her mother, for her cries have ceased.

'Oh, but babe, I don't think I can get a babysitter at this short notice.'

He doesn't respond. Perhaps he gave up trying to be heard over our daughter's angry protests.

'Actually love, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick, I was asking you if you don't mind me going to the cinema tonight with a mate from work?'

Of course, that's what he meant. Tears are beginning to pool in my eyes. I daren't let him hear them, they will only annoy him. After all, I should have known better.

'Oh, okay. Erm, what time will you be coming home? I bought us steaks.'

Tempt him back through his stomach.

'Oh, well it won't be too late, I need to give Caroline a lift back afterward though because she doesn't drive.'

'So you are taking another woman to the cinema on Valentine's Day?'

My voice has cracked and I know I sound pathetic.

'Don't be so ridiculous, you know I don't do Valentines.'

'Yeah, I know.'

I throw my phone back down. WAHHHH. This time we sit and cry together.

***EIGHT YEARS LATER***

I am sat writing, dwelling on Valentines' past, when I hear her giggling in the kitchen. Her younger brother is chasing her with a spoon. They are helping their father prepare a romantic meal for me. Crayoned hearts decorate the candlelit table. And I thank my lucky stars for 'Caroline from work.' And I thank them again for the wonderful step-father my girl now has, and her half-brother. And for good measure, I thank them once more for the dozen roses on the windowsill.

I wonder if Ryan is taking Caroline to the cinema this February 14th? Probably not, he doesn't do Valentine's Day.