Next, on Baywatch

Every weekday at noon. I’d get to see the glistening, cut tan bodies running on the sand aligning an ocean full of waves. A surfer’s paradise.

I’d cycle on my grandmother’s stationary bike as I watched. Hoping to rip my 12-year-old body up the way Pamela Anderson’s quads looked as they busted out of her one piece.

Honestly, though. I wanted to look like Matt Brody. David Charvet’s character. Perfect abs, full pink lips, and Lucious dark hair with the one strand that hung just right above the eyebrows. Yes, I wanted to look like that!

My favorite stories were the ones that involved plenty of saves with multiple guards diving in the depths of the dark, crystal-clear blue sea. I remember they’d run a few steps into the ocean and then dive into at least a 10-12-foot-deep body of water. Must be Cali oceans, I thought.

I vacationed to Cali, Orange County, that summer. And it’s true. Malibu, Long Beach, Redondo Beach, even Manhattan Beach with the huge waves. I ran straight in with my boogie board in tow, and jumped right in. Not as perfectly as David Hasselhoff would have, or even Newmie. But I did it.

What I didn’t like were the episode where Mitch Buchannon, Hasselhoff, played more of a police officer or detective than a lifeguard. Seriously, what was the guy thinking getting involved in every dangerous situation on the beach.

Anytime a lifeguard rode an ATV, a Jet Ski, or Yasmine Bleeth was involved, it was a good episode. I loved watching them do CPR compressions and making saves. Only problem, I had to give CPR once, and instead of remembering my training I did, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 – Breath!” It’s 30 compressions these days.

The saddest episode was the one with the shark attack. Jill went in for a save, but was taken under by what looked like a great white. Somehow, somewhere Mitch Buchannon was able to save her. She ends up in the hospital and looked to be recovering. The next day the guards walk into her hospital room, and she’s gone. Lost too much blood. She died.

I don’t have much else to say about the show other than asking how Mitch Buchannon could afford to buy his son, Hobie, a Ferrari on a lifeguard salary.

And who names their kid, Hobie?