My Heart was Destroyed

I don't think you can get it back, it's as irretrievable as the past. I've mourned the damage done to me, and the pieces of my heart that were cruelly torn away. Trauma, especially one inflicted upon by someone you trusted, can rob you of your ability to care for others and to care for yourself. It made me feel safer to see myself as a stranger, looking from the outside in as a form of disassociation. I could no longer connect with others but that was my intention. It made me feel in control. Being in a near isolated state for the past year only made me feel more inhuman than before. I felt like a ghost, already dead. The only thing that has helped is realizing that the past is a different place, and I am a different person living in the now. I can't see myself being in a relationship ever again, my heart is simply not whole. But I hold on to the possibility that finding people who accept me for who I am can nurture my ability to care once more. Being alone has at least helped me to understand myself more, through painting and writing, and I am more forgiving of myself in turn. Even with this new sense of self I am terrified of starting a new job and beginning school once more. Terrified of rejoining life again. It will hurt, and cause new pain as well as trigger old pain. I try to remind myself that I care deeply for the person I've become and want them to have a chance to live out their true potential.