The Great Liberal Matriarchy Honky Tonk

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” - Abraham Lincoln

I dedicate this diddy to honest Abe, whose moral compass may have leaned a tad closer to due north than mine. As you read, I urge you to sing aloud in the style of a knee-slappin' Honky Tonk tune. If you'd like to hear me humiliate myself, you can listen to me singing it in my bathroom here: https://voicespice.com/Player.aspx?c=p&h=37B44670&j=373839

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllll!

If I woke up one day omnipotent

I'd smile at the good fortune sent

I'd end hunger n' cure all disease

And o'course say no more poverty

But when all the major work was done

That's when I'd get to having fun

I'd take a swig to steal my nerves

And give you just what you deserveeeeee!

(Double-time, now!)

I'd strap Ted Cruz to my own dining chair

And give him what I thought was fair

Peel back every single finger nail

Say he's spendin' all his life in jail

He'll only get one meal a day

And every bite turns someone gay

Then when he tries to rest his head

We'll read'm anti-racist books insteadddddd

I'd put some dynamite in Mt. Rushmore

Blow it up and watch the pieces soar

The air would fill with stone and dust

And I'd replace it with who we must

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, HRC

Justice Jackson, Gaga and Queen B

Angie Davis and Mother Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Plus all three members of TLC (Why not?!)

We'd start the government straight from scratch

Only women in this brand new batch

Of leaders who know how to lead

With consensus and humility

And any shouting of #notallmen

Will land you in the lions' den

Is this a figure a' speech or real?

I'll let my emotions take the wheel

'Cause ain't that what ladies do best

I'll just have to get it off my chesttttttttt (Eyes up here, honey!)

And we'd try more old Republicans

With crimes against Americans

Send McConnell to live with his own kind

On a turtle reserve oh so fine

But first we'd make him watch TV

Only hours upon hours of Broad City

'Til his cold, dead heart was filled with rage

Then we'd slap his chins and throw him in his cageeeeeeeee (Were they only okay for kids?!)

But we can't forget dear Lindsey Graham

And Brett Cavanaugh, our boofin' man

Since they're cool with rape and sex assault

And nothing's ever been their fault

We'd let the women decide their fates

To chop or chemically castrate

And force Lindsey to show his special mooooooooooles

Just kiddin' - wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole

But don't you for one minute think

That we'd forget women who stink

'Cus there's right wing ladies 'round

Marjorie Taylor Green and Blackburn take the crown

Since they wear their internalized misgoyny

Like a badge of honor on their sleeves

We'll employ them at Planned Parenthood

Until they've changed their tunes for goooooooooood

I know this song did not have a bridge

But I'm God now, so it's my prerogative

And before I enact my incel ban

I'll give the remaining highlights of my master plaaaaannnnn

I'd end police brutality

Find all stray pets a family

Make the temp forever seventy

And make college tuition free

End women's clothes size discrepancieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees

And keep Andrew Garfield just for me

(Yeehaw! Spiderman's mine!)