surely, right now, at any moment, my heart is going to burst out of my chest

on cold nights, curled in our blankets and huddled together: our shoulders pressed together and laughter ringing out, ears tinged with red. i take your hand, carefully, secretly, my heart pounding so surely i think you must hear it. starting with a finger against yours. a brush of skin; something could be written accidental. my heart pounds harder. a second try: this time, more sure, with purpose, the back of my hand bumping against yours. something that can’t be explained away and my heart is so loud. i close my eyes. but i can still hear my heart. i think you might reject me, and i can’t make the leap, the back of my hand just rests against yours, but then — you complete it. you clasp my hand completely, so tightly, i startle. you make it so easy that i feel so silly for ever feeling nerves.

you’re grinning. cheeks squished; eyes like crescent moons. “what was that?” you ask, and i feel so ridiculous. we are already so close, crushed in this small space of our bed and yet, i was hesitating if i could hold your hand. i laugh.

“I don’t know,” i say.

you shake your head and i laugh harder. i draw my face closer, and still: despite the ridiculous, the knowledge i can cross this distant and you won’t turn your head, despite the knowledge i am allowed, i hesitate. and like before, you make the last move. you close the distance, and press your lips against yours. warmth. a pleasant feeling spreads all over me and it feels like my heart burst.

you’re grinning when i move back.

“what was that?” you ask.

this time, i feel more shy. “um,” I say. “i am not good at this type of thing.”

“I can see. so what type of thing are you good at?”

….this, perhaps, i think. loving you.

being right here: next to you, feeling the skin of your hand in mine and the heart of mine feeling like it might burst out of my ribs. seeing your face, hearing your voice and every part of my body loving you. loving you, the same thing as sitting next to you. the easiest thing. i couldn’t not love you, if i tried, i think.

you turn, suddenly, into a bright flush. all of your confidence and grin disappearing so quick into a flustered and i’m confused. then, oh — i realise. i turn into the same flustered mess as you. oh god, i can’t believe myself. i just said that out of loud, didn’t i?”

“….did you hear all of that?” my voice is a whisper: unable to bear the truth of that thought.

you nod, and damn. that’s really embarrassing. i duck my head. i am sure i look like I’ve been dunked in red paint. my hand is staring to sweat. so embarrassing, i think, again. “well,” I say, barely a murmur, “there. what I can do.” i can’t muster the strength to lift my head to look at you. i grip your hand tighter. i’m so curious of what expression you are making but still, i can’t lift my head.

i think maybe you’ll gently touch my chin and force it up. i hope. you don’t. so i have to make the last leap, this time: slowly, i lift my head and peak up and… oh, what a delight, i think. what a sight. how beautiful.

you’re still wearing that flustered expression, red all over and it feels like there’s confidence surging in me: I catch your eye and draw closer, closing what distance is there between us and kiss and kiss and kiss you. once, I am content, I pull back and smile brightly.

“I love you.” I say, confidently.

“….I love you, too,” you grumble back, a little later, voice a mumble that it’s hard to pick exactly what you said, but I hear it clear. my smile widens. I laugh.

“I love you,” I repeat and surely, I think, right now, at any moment, my heart is going to burst out of my chest for real.