Validation

A small smile is drawn across the stony surface of my face. One eye crinkles in the corner to further the false sincerity of it. If there are any deficiencies in the façade they will be attributed to the headache still raging on against the side of my head. The pain they know and will believe.

But there’s another pain, one that is quieting the physical one that neither sleep, heat, nor medication had failed to do so before. It is a familiar pain, similar to the headache finally and deceptively subsiding. Similar in that it sneaks up at random times whether it be middle of the day surrounded by people or middle of night in the dead of sleep and alone.

My chest tightens as I inhale a small breath to keep the façade in check. The crinkled eye hides the tears threatening to slide down and reveal the lie. I could probably lie about the nature of the tear – blame it on the headache now squashed in the recess of my head. It is nominal compared to the pain now roaring forth.

To call it ‘jealousy’ would be another lie. It’s not quite that.

To call it ‘depression’ would be less of one, but still another lie. It probably doesn’t help.

To call it ‘crazy’ would be more of a truth. But that is not all of it.

It could be called ‘self-depreciation’. That’s not all of it though.

It could be called ‘masochism’. Yet I never asked for it. Nor is it satisfying. 

It could be called ‘anxiety’. But that is not all of it. 

Let’s call it ‘validation’. On the contrary, that is what is lacking.