Pen to the Paper 21

Nick grabbed my tie and adjusted it for me. "Thanks, man. Was it that bad?"

"I didn't know someone could wear a tie that poorly."

"Well, dang. I'm usually pretty darn good at it. On the bright side, this isn't what I'll be wearing for the show."

Nick made a spinning gesture with his hand. "Looking good," he said.

"Good, at least the rest of me isn't a mess."

"Oh, no. Your hair looks awful. You just pull it off well."

"What!?" I exclaimed, rushing to the mirror. "Oh, right, I'm still nearly bald. Ha ha, great joke, Nick."

Nick beamed at me, satisfied with his joke.

"You ready?"

"Yep, I'm ready, Nick. Do you have what I'm going to change into ready?"

"Yep, it's ready. You'll see it right once you walk in. Can't miss it."

"Thanks, man."

Nick slapped me on the butt and said, "Go get 'em, tiger."

*****

A small red light emanated from the stage. It widened slowly then vanished, being replaced by a pink light. A purple light followed, going by the same pattern. When the red began to fade once more, something pink and solid began to grow on stage instead of the light. First it budded, then it began to bloom. It was a flower, and in the middle of the widening pedals was your handsome host, holding a bouquet of pink and purple flowers. I was also wearing a bikini.

"Happy Mother's Day to all you lovely mothers out there!" I called, stepping out of the flower like Aphrodite from the sea. I put one hand on my waist and stuck my hip out to the side. "My mother would be so proud. Love you, Ma!

"Speaking of Ma, we recently went on a road trip. I think I mentioned it last week. We left town to run a marathon. Anyway, on the way back home, we stopped at this gas station because my Ma loves the place. No, it's not Casey's, the Midwestern gas station known for its great pizza (that I think is kind of overrated). No. It's Buccee's.

"Now, I've been to this place a few times. We always stop there on the way to and from Wisconsin. And I hate it! I absolutely hate the place.

"I'm anti-social as heck. Introverted to the core. The moment I walk into that place, I want out. There are people everywhere!!! The building is literally overflowing with people. It's like a pot boiling over. I just tuck my shoulders in, make a shark fin in front of me with my hands, and weave through the traffic, sweating like a pig. I walk into the bathrooms, and it's a room bigger than my house, filled with toilet after toilet. That's the only good thing about the place.

"Leaving is worse than entering the bathroom. And if you stop for lunch, you're better off going to a restaurant, because they expensive.

"I hate it with a passion." I pulled up the strap on my shoulder. "How do you girls wear these things? This is uncomfortable. And my shoulders hurt. Stupid little plastic things… I feel like Spider-Man in the elevator. Didn't make it myself, though.

"Alright, guys. Pen to the Paper 21 is here!"

A flower erupted underneath me, wrapping around me and forming a beautiful tulip.

At the bottom of the elevator, I stepped off the platform. I turned around to see Nick. "DON’T you even THINK about it!" I said, putting my hands over my posterior.