What if

What if I told you 

I like wearing penny loafers

And combat boots 

And I have been slutty 

While wearing jeans 

And a t shirt

And when I wore that 

Short short skirt 

I didn't want you 

To touch me

What if I told you 

I'm smart about 

Unimportant things 

And I will never seem 

Ivy League 

But I will always be 

Well adjusted 

Even when I'm in 

My worst state of depression

Because you see 

I can juggle 

While you still have 

That spoon in your mouth

And what if I told you 

I never felt the need 

To obey anyone

Unless it was in the bedroom

And when you take out 

Your silly built in rules

Your subconscious training 

I laugh and shrink from you 

Just a little 

Cuz you're proving to me

You're nothing beyond 

The programming 

Of your parents

And then sometimes 

I shrink from myself

Because I reflexively

Resist authority 

I instinctively don't 

Trust you or your motives

I automatically without 

Awareness look for 

Your every emotion and

How I can please you 

Even when I don't want to

And that is my programming

Thank you Mom

Thank you Dad

I carry your secret grudges

Your hidden fears

Your mental illness

PTSD and poverty

Your rich mothers scorn

Your emotional nightmares

In me I carry them muted

In my gestures, my insecurities

My poor decisions 

My flaws

And despite all the 

Pent up rage 

The frustration of being 

Your child I have only 

Become who I am 

Because of you

So I thank you 

And all the ironies 

You've blessed and 

Cursed me with

How you baptized me

In both holy water

And neglect 

The spirit and 

Abiding fear

Curiosity and blindness

I am your third daughter

But I could be a seventh son

Of a seventh son

Because the miracle 

Of surviving you 

Is either proof of divinity 

Or a sure sign 

I am magic 

A Dorman