Abandonment

Fear of being left alone

For the convenience of oneself having dried up,

Growing with worry for others,

So you forget me-

I'm not sure why I'm surprised

Going back in my memories,

You've always been the same

Save yourself, save yourself, save yourself

Blood is only blood,

no matter the family tree in our veins,

you're only human

You're not the only one

The hat has always threatened

The apron always cowards,

Even as I bury myself in the arms that smell of homemade meals,

you'd throw me away for a chance.

I know it's not anyone's fault,

A mother only has concern for the child most in need

And my love has always been the most convenient of your three birds

So easy to trick to buying your ticket out-

We fall in the same lines of abuse by the hat

Yet the very same hat you fear, you'd leave me with alone

I guess with so many threats of abandonment by the hat,

I always thought the hat would leave first

Not the apron

I know I can make it out alone

I've got the means to do so...

It hurts, it hurts it hurts nonetheless

My heart shatters and won't stop breaking

Won't stop shuddering

I'm not sure it's even my heart that's tearing

It feels deeper, deeper than my soul or fabric of being-

The pain won't stop

It never has

I shouldn't have ever pretended we were okay

We never were

All I learned was abandonment

I don't want to be the same as the hat or the apron

Yet, the depression, the anger, the heartbreak begs I run-

I wish I could tear out this feeling of loneliness

To rip out every emotion

To be empty of thought or reason

Save myself, save myself, save myself...

Yet, like a dog I show loyalty

Even when my owners don't mirror that same loyalty or respect

It feels like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop

Waiting for the inevitable

Of living and dying alone-

I hate that I love you more than I love myself...