murdered souls

each night as i lay alone in the dark

He crept up to me.

there was nowhere for me to run

nowhere for me to hide

i was all alone.

He held a gleaming knife in his hand,

but He did not strike.

He used His words instead.

night after night He told me i was worthless.

He told me the world would be better without me and I should just leave. no one wanted me.

i asked Him why he didn’t just kill me Himself.

He said it wasn’t His job,

which led me to believe-

it was mine.

can you murder yourself? i wonder.

first degree murder means a carefully planned killing.

and i’ve laid here so many nights and wished to be gone. thought of ways to escape.

on the bright afternoon when i stood with the handful of pills in my fist

i learned that yes,

you can murder yourself.

i did.

i feel that He murdered my soul long before i murdered my body,

but that doesn’t matter now.

He moved on to the souls of my friends and family, the people who cared about me.

He now visits them when they are alone at night

and tells them they should’ve done more for me.

they could’ve stopped this.

how could i have been so selfish to leave them alone with Him?

i hear their sobs muffled in a damp pillow.

i told myself i was doing them a favor by leaving.

i used that to justify my actions.

i simply wanted to escape Him.

selfishly i abandoned them.

what started out as a simple homicide has turned into a slow massacre.

i murdered myself. but with that He was not satisfied.

now He murders the souls of the people who love me.

He murders their happiness, their dreams, their security, their comfort.

He takes it all away, until they are left asking the same questions i was.

i wonder how long this will go on, this circle of murdered souls leading one to the other.

it could have ended with me. but i did not know.

i did not know that it was possible to overcome Him.

if one person had reached out to me, told me that they knew and understood, told me that i could defeat Him, i might still be here.

but no one ever did.

my last saving grace is being able to tell you my story.

i hope it opens your eyes.

He spares no one. He often haunts people we least expect.

it seems that so often the ones who cry the most tears at night have none left for the morning.

they don’t want to bother people with their pain.

i know, because i was the same way.

but now you know. so you have no excuse.

be there for those who hurt. if you are hurt, go to someone who cares.

i promise it will not be in vain.

you’re saving a multitude of murdered souls.