The End.

The thought of something ending is usually sad, it usually brings out feelings of something running its course or the competition of an experience. Instead, I view it as a chance to reflect on something that has been accomplished. Accomplishment is one of my favorite emotions because it makes me feel that there is a point to the things I do in life. Whether they it be completing a project for school or getting an internship, accomplishment can give you hope for the possibility of something better. My first semester of college is wrapping up in a about six days and it has given me time to reflect on what has happened to me so far. I have lived with someone other than my family for the first time in my life, had a "relationship" for the first time, no matter how unfulfilling it was, and did a bevy of drugs and other acts of debauchery that people experience while in college. 

The event that was the most interesting was my "relationship" that only lasted about a month and a half. It was nice having sex and hanging out with someone on a more intimate level than just hanging out with your friends. You feel that you could be wearing anything (or nothing at all) and just feel comfortable with it. There is another person who is near you because they actually want to be there and have made an effort to be near you. I had never felt this before, in high school or in middle school, because I just never felt comfortable with sharing who I was with anyone new. It also did not help that I attended an all-boys school which made the access to girls very restricted. Being around girls on an everyday basis has been an adjustment on my entire image of myself because I actually have someone to impress instead of my all-guy friends from back home. This has made things confusing as I still have yet to figure out the signs that a girl is flirting with and when she isn't and what to do when a girl sends you "ok." instead of just "Ok". All of this comes with time and the fact that I have gotten through these experiences relatively unscathed has been an accomplishment in itself. 

I have also come into contact with a lot of people who have actual plans about what they want to accomplish with their lives and it has been scary. I have lived a very relaxed and care-free existence up until this point and it has become clear that I need to get my shit together. I have seen what it takes to be great at something and what I have been doing has not been up to standard. However, I view this as another obstacle to overcome on the road to becoming a great artist. Being an artist is difficult because you always feel that everything you do away from your craft is a waste of time in some way. I guess that is why so many artists drop out of school, because they feel that school is something that restricts creativity rather than developing it. Which is why I feel there is so much uncertainty in terms of what my future will hold. Am I wasting my time at school? Am I good enough to be even thinking those thoughts? These are questions that plague me everyday. 

Im not really sure what this was or why I wrote it, but, it has definitely helped me sort through some of these thoughts that have been racking my brain for months now.