when words fail (this kind of pain is ugly af)

these tears tell a story i don't know how to read but the pain is felt in waves, coursing over me like sand that gets caught in all the wrong places. i wish i could tell you that i'm okay, but my fingers are bleeding and there is nothing i can do to stop the words that flow out of me at awkward angles. i wish i could tell you that it's going to get better, but the stars do not deserve a place in this night. one life was never enough for us. you can shut the fuck up, kennedy. if you knew what loss was, one life might begin to feel like an eternity, and you might be grateful. five years was all she got. and those five years might have felt like a lifetime if the world had the good sense to slow down just a bit. but pain waits for no one, and so i am here, embraced by these tears that shatter me with every drop. there is no light here; none but the letters that form these broken words i will never be strong enough to speak. she will never read these words, never know that she was supported by so many strangers, much less me, but maybe that's okay. maybe there's purpose to the pain that i will never understand. i think that i have already come to terms with that. what i will never come to terms with is the injustice that doesn't deserve a single breath in this world, yet that suffocates those of us who thought we had hope. the moment's already gone, but there's nothing left to prove to this world that good ever existed. that she ever existed, save for the swollen touch of family and strangers alike. she deserved more time. she deserved the years that i don't want. she deserved the moon and the stars, but she was forced to the ground, forced to be content with the too-little time she got and the gravity that kept her from her dreams. she deserved poetic beauty. she deserved to know how much she was loved.

and she deserved a name.