A heart too Heavy

I bring you a flower, but it ends up dying.

Petals fading away and you end up lying

I hate myself for coming back to you everytime

I hate that you are always right

You find the light in my eyes

I just want to be free but I want to do it with you by my side

Goodbye.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I crumpled the paper. It can be hard for one to fathom their emotions. It can be hard to find happiness when you’ve been buried alive with melancholia. I should understand myself better than others. Even in the vulnerable darkness, one can still find their way. Knowing that, I looked outside and searched for comfort amongst the field of dandelions.

The vociferous silence on the train made everything better. I plugged in my earphones and played some music to alleviate the ineffable agony that my heart burns with. As another song played, I began to wonder, how do they make insecurities sound good? As the train rumbled away, I wondered how something could be so loud yet comforting. I wondered how my voice throttles my throat everytime I try to open my mouth. To be heard is to have a voice, loud enough to break the crowd. But what if there isn’t one?

Before my thoughts could further drag me away, a charming boy sat arrogantly across from me. His amber hair, soft and lush, glistened under the golden hour. His lips reminded me of those roses in the meadow of my dreams. His amiable eyes told a story that wanted to remain untold. Our eyes met and I caught myself sinking deep into them.

“Is there something wrong? Did realism swallow you up too?”

I gave him a shallow smile but my eyes teemed with broken pieces of loved-love fragments. He looked at me with concern as he leaned forward and wiped the tear that scintillated from my cheeks.

“It's alright if you don’t want to talk about it. Despite all our despair and woefulness, the sun always returns.”

I want to talk about it. I want to scream. But I just can’t. I just looked outside where the poetic clouds drifted past us. They created nebulous shapes to express their emotions that later languished away but slowly turned into something new. The same cloud. A new emotion. The train continued rumbling away. I was analyzing the beautiful scenery that Mother Nature had created when a hand was holding mine ever so benevolently.

“Listen, our biggest fears can be turned into the prettiest nightmares. Under the meadow of merriment lies the dead. There’s a rainbow that leads to not a pot full of gold but a pot flooded with unwanted feelings that want to be wanted. Whatever it is, this is not the beginning.”

Goosebumps colonized over my body. I felt a perished shadow umbrage over me. I screamed but not a sound came out. I closed my eyes but the ambience got stronger and angrier. The charming boy that I admired before disappeared and turned into my favored nightmare. It was my own vacant emotions disguised to manipulate me. To make me walk on the wrong, feared path.

Why is it that every time hope gets ruined by despair?

Why is this happening to me?

Or was it I who chose this to happen?

This is how my perturbation takes over me.