Miss Little Goody Two Shoes rants - Family matters.

It is not much about my siblings that bothers me. In fact, it is mostly about my parents. Why? You may wonder, well, at least by hating me my brother is showing some sort of care -in his ridiculously annoying and negative way, but caring at the very least.

Now, my parents, oh boy are they a whole different story. They are so uncaring.

Let me explain, it all started when I was born. My mother was strongly over-protective over me (I hope you notice the repetition on "over", it's a very important point). Which brings me to the fact that she wanted me to be perfect and that obviously meant: nothing like my dad. However my dad had different thoughts on this as he expected me to be a little rebel mommy's girl who would be very rude and full of attitude -which I'm not. Just so you get a little backstory: my mom is from a very small and poor town whereas my dad is from the capital, you know the typical city boy who was in the army at a certain time and has a lot of money and girls, so he deliberately thought that I would turn out to be, well... An ignorant.

Despite my parents expectations I proved myself to my mom and showed her what she thought she already knew and disappointed my dad by you know, being a great student, straight A's, learned a different language, learned to play not one, but three instruments, really nice and quiet little brain with feet. That was, and still is my biggest mistake. Ever.

If you haven't considered it yet all of those things I did and worked so hard on to be the perfect example of a good daughter, came to bite me in the ass. And it came in the form of a rabid dog, like those bulldozers that when they clock their jaws they can't let go, even if they want to.

Apparently when I did all of those things, I implicitly meant that I would keep surprising people over and over again -which I sort of, kind of did and at the same time didn't.

The bar was set right there in the top and I was struggling to meet my own scores. So I did what any teenager would have done in high school in my situation, I stopped caring... Or well, more like I tried not caring, and in case you were wondering, no I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol, or boys (not girls either), not even nicotine. I failed miserably at "not caring" but I had made a decision and I had to continue my mission to be in a less pressurized position.

My grades lowered and my attitude got... Stronger? I'm not even sure how to say that but the point is, I wasn't being little Miss Goody Two Shoes anymore -or so I thought. Sadly my dear reader, my parents blamed it on adolescence and puberty and hormonal changes and they thought I was going through my "rebellious stage". They still had the bars on top for my college/university/job/career/LIFE stage. Uncaring mission not accomplished by me was, however, accomplished by them.

Things started to get serious, school was now about college applications, university applications, getting car licenses, moving away. Everything came back to me and I had a epiphany, if you will.

I realized that I had made a tremendous job at keeping my grades up in primary and elementary, even in secondary school but my high school scores where distinctly... Disgusting. That realization made me consider the idea that this wasn't or shouldn't be about my parents or about me trying to make someone happy, because that someone wasn't me.

At this point I didn't even had a single idea of what I wanted to be because to be completely honest, I wasn't (and I'm still not) aware of who I am. I don't know who I want to be, I certainly know who I don't want to be, but I don't have enough time now to try out all the things I haven't in order to find my true self.

So I'm in a quest, I'm looking for myself and well I'm finding stuff. I'm learning so much about me and that brings me a lot of joy and contentment. And, that right there is my problem. I'm finding contentment, not happiness. I have realized that I care so deeply about and for everyone else in my life and that absolutely no one cares that way about me and that bugs me.

First thought, obviously was: I need friends. And I found new friends (not that I didn't already have ones) and this friends were found by the real me. The me that I knew better -although not fully yet- and who I logically trusted more in decision making deals.

Second thought, I need a boyfriend or perhaps a girlfriend. Being so focused during my past life in being a good daughter and sister and basically a family member, I forgot to be a good girl, teenager and well a woman. I had never, and still haven't (no I'm not a unicorn and I'm certainly not a saint) tried anything with a boy, no kisses, no hand holding, no nicknaming, not even proper hugs. In this century it is a common thing now to be openly into people of your own genre so I started investigating because perhaps I hadn't had a boyfriend because I wasn't actually into boys. But I will be telling you more on that later on.

None of those things were the answers to my search for more than contentment because I have found that my problem is not that I don't have someone to care about. My problem is that I care in a certain way about everyone -and yes, I mean everyone, I feel appreciation towards living things- and no one has shown that much caring towards me.

The fact that my parents don't give an actual fuck about what's going on in my life really goes straight to my theoretical heart. The thing is I am not in any phony businesses but the fact that they don't ask me the same way the do my siblings hurts in ways that I cannot, ironically, describe.

I have been trying really hard not to think of that because (and next you'll find the excuses I've been making for them) they probably don't ask because they trust me and they know what I'm capable of. SIKE. But hey, I get extra bonus points for trying -if only those could be in the form of chocolate I would be happier, fact.

The thing is that the only other thing that's happening in my life turns out to be one of the most important, I'm talking about university. Choosing who people are gonna judge you on for the rest of your life.

Besides the fact that I'm still not very sure what I'm actually gonna pick as a career, I do know the when, where, how. The problem is that I know that for regular people (or at least that's how I think it should be) getting higher education is a family matter, where we are supposed to discuss the costs and the available prospects and so on. The point is that I have already looked at universities, I have emailed people about personal statements, I have been taking online courses to build my PS, I have done my research and I pretty much know a lot about a lot of universities and courses. However my mom and dad have done everything close to 0. And with that I mean, the haven't done a thing.

My dad doesn't care as long as I pick a righteous career -i. e. Medicine, Law, Journalism, etc. and I get a scholarship. If those things are ticked in the list then I have my dad's full approval and support. My mom on the other side she says she's ok with me doing whatever it is I like even if that is becoming a hairstylist with no degree at all. The only thing she cares about is if I stay in the same country -preferably in the same city so she doesn't have to pay two rents- and if I get bursary or a scholarship.

Basically all of my intents on getting the bars down of the high scale went straight down the drain. My research is worth poop and my grades don't matter anymore, money is what's moving us around. To say my dreams have been terribly crushed would be an understatement because they have been ripped apart, crumbled like pieces of paper and thrown at a basket and falling miserably to the floor as nothing ever goes my way. Not even my crushed dreams.

The bars are still up high and I have recently learned that they and I quote my sister "don't care if I don't go to uni 'cause you know, their hope's on you" which again makes me suffer in silence.

I'm utterly lost. I understand nothing. First they don't care enough to actually help me find appropriate information about higher education and the best options and what could happen and what could never do. But then they apparently have their "hopes on me". What the hell does that even mean. Do they care? Do they not? Actually, I know, if they cared at all they wouldn't add on to the pressure of school and big life decisions only on me by also putting something else in my shoulders: HOPE. I mean, am I supposed to be magically successful now?

I sincerely need help.

Kindest and warmest regards,

Ex-MissLittleGoodyTwoShoes.