A Whole New You

"Do you wish to proceed?" The words flashed on the screen taunting me as I thought of the person I was. This version of me had made many mistakes. I had let a man use me for my looks and let him get away with undermining me at every turn. I had let myself be undervalued at work. I was not kind to myself and therefore gave way too much of myself to others. The new me was just waiting to be born. These days that is how it is done. The amazing advancements in technology made it so that we could shed our skin like a snake and reinvent who we were. I looked at the shells of my past self all sitting there dead and forgotten. When your consciousness was uploaded into a new shell you retained your old memories. They did not want you to repeat your old mistakes.

Would Marianne version 44 be any different from the ones that went before? Every year since I was born my parents pressed that button, allowing for my "rebirth." I had the option of not pressing that button, delaying my resurrection for another year. I so desperately wanted to escape who I had been. All I needed to do was to press that button. The new me would have to leave things in the past . . .

"Marianne you can't stick you head in the sand forever. At some point you need to grow up!" The words pierced her heart. She looked up at the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with and could not find him. Where had the gracious, sweet man she had fallen in love with gone? This creature staring at me, reading me the riot act was foreign to me. I felt crushed and wanted to turn and run the other way.

"What has changed?"

"Me," his eyes turned down, his face blushing a deep shade of red. I knew that he was not being completely honest with me. I needed for him to tell me what I had done wrong.

I waited patiently for him to elaborate.

"Look, Marianne it isn't anything you did, I just don't feel the same."

"Overnight? Your feelings were there last night when we made love. Whether you intend to or not, your body makes a promise when you sleep with someone. When you close your eyes and kiss me, your lips make an unsaid vow to love me forever. All lies?" My eyes stung with rejection. I could not help but think that had I been brighter, prettier, nicer, that maybe he would still be in love. I had just not been enough. All of who I was, had not been enough for him.

"Marianne, I know that you think it was something you did, or did not do, but I just fell out of love. These things do happen," I nodded at him dumbly. Would the new me finally have a backbone? Would the new me have some self worth? Brandon treated me the way he did, because he knew he could get away with it. I had shown him through my actions that it was okay to treat me poorly. I wondered if there was going to be a new me, would there be a new Brandon? Would new Brandon and new Marianne be right for each other?

I shook myself out of those thoughts. New Brandon, or not I should not be entertaining the idea of being with him. He was toxic, and could a person really change that much? There were opponents of the New You project who believed that who we were as people was hard wired, and could not be changed no matter what. I was not sure what to think. There were people who did not subscribe to the New You project and therefore stayed who they were. No shedding of their proverbial skin.

I was ready for a more confident, more self assured me. I was tired of being the good natured doormat. I was more than ready to be assertive and strong. This new me would stand up for herself. This new me would have no problems telling people where to go. This new me would set healthy boundaries. As I looked out at the sea of discarded Marianne shells I could not help but shudder. It looked like a massacre. It was as if someone had committed a genocide against a highly specific portion of the population.

I took a deep breath. I watched as the flashing question badgered an answer from me. I closed my eyes and pressed the button.