Bullet to the head

Aware that the day would come I kept my gun loaded. Though in an attempt to be courteous and nurturing, I made sure to keep it out of arm’s length. To show transparency through a feigned smile. However, my strength to uphold my smile depleted as my transparency revealed itself. I wanted to prove myself wrong, even when the right answers appeared when you stepped near. Now here we are as I await my demise. I can tell by the look in your eye, no matter what I say it will be a lie. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to stall the arrival of my fate. I wait – until you realize that the decision, you’re about to make was given to you at birth. That every word you utter was set in stone and I would have no way to erase it. But I won’t surrender to the plans that you have written for my life. Thus, in your mind, I’m no longer worthy to live, so I must die along with the plans that I have written for my life in the back of my mind. Your stern countenance confirms that you are ready to be my judge, sentencing me to death. What you don’t know is I’m ready to confess; to give you the gun to pull the trigger as I have already cocked back my misery. Ready for it to leave a burning hole in my head. As you punish me, I punish myself – possibly the only decision we’ve ever agreed upon. With that being said, the guns in your hand, the bullet in the chamber that’s been sitting there for months since I met you. I watch as your eyes fill with tears of confusion. As mine fill with acceptance. I guide your hand to the trigger. Clasping our hands together. The closest intimacy we’ll ever have. With something always laying in the middle of love, your ignorance, your presumptions, your gaslighting, you – and now my gun.

-Ce'mya