Word vomit
My worst fear is being loved-
wholly acception of my whole being
i trust too much and not at all
i keep everyone at a distance, please don't touch me
i don't deserve it
my tears aren't worth your hugs and kisses
do i even know how to love?
i'm too wrong to be loved, too messed up inside
i hurt too often and retreat into my dreams,
for reality is too painful to bear for me
But i still crave it
the touch of another- sweet and gentle and kind
a promise that my scars are okay, even the ones you can't see
my imaginary love is pure, agape
yet how do i receive something so selfless and heavenly?
i am tainted, memories fill my head of regrets and sadness
of pain and terror
years and years, decades and decades of being repressed and shadowed
how can you know me when i don't even know me?
who am i?
how dare i deign to ask for something so undeserving as a love
when have i ever earned it instead of just yearning?
this love is absolving of sin
will this love too weigh the scales of my youth- am i worthy in the afterlife?
a caress on my hand, holding me steady to face the wrath of this cruel world
the cruel world that is unbecoming of my love, something so delicate
should i ever achieve that love, that acceptance and life
would i know what is my dream and my reality?
for this love would certainly curtain my vision away from disaster,
and leave me in shame
for why would i ever be capable of being seen by my love
when i cannot gaze upon my own mortality without hatred and disgust?
*this was a one draft little drabble that i needed to get out, no edits