I don’t want to say goodbye

“Mom has said you were doing worse in the hospital, but I’m glad you’re doing better!” I said joyfully as I picked up my cup of tea and sipped it. “It’s great that they discharged you so quickly too!”

“It’s nice to be outside again. Those white walls nearly drove me insane.” They chuckled softly, smiling as they looked out of the window.

The two of us were sitting at a small round table having tea. A familiar red pattered china teapot between us, matching cups and saucers in our hands. We were in some kind of cafe I think, they had chosen the spot so I didn’t know what it was called. It was somewhere I faintly remembered going before.

It was nice out today, an oddly warm autumn afternoon with a light breeze gently shaking leaves from their branches.

“I’ve always loved Fall.” They spoke softly, bringing the pink tea to their lips again as we both slipped into a comfortable silence once more.

“Mhmm.” I nodded as I put my delicate red patterned china cup down. “It’s a nice day today, the suns finally decided to come out.”

“I’m glad that this is the place you chose.” They said softly, their smile taking on a sad tone.

“You chose this place, don’t tell me the doctors messed with your memory.” I ended with a huff of laughter as I looked around at the view outside of the window.

“I’m glad that this is the weather you chose.” They continued, ignoring my comment.

“I can’t chose the weather.” I laughed softly again. “But you’re right it’s beautiful out today.”

“Kid...”

Their sudden change of tone and their name for me that I am all to familiar with drew my eyes back to the figure across from me.

“It’s ok. They’re ok now.”

“What are you…?” I murmured softly, the sounds of rustling leaves being interrupted by the sound of a man softly sobbing.

“We can go now… they won’t be mad.”

I kept looking out of the window, trying to see where the soft sobs and the growing voice of a woman were coming from.

“Hey do you know where that noise is coming from…?” I tried o turn and look into the cafe we were in, but I was meet with nothing but an expanse of white.

“They’re ready for us to let go. And I think we’re ready to go now…”

“But I don’t want to go yet.” The voice of a small child came when I opened my mouth to speak.

“I know kid, but if we stay any longer we’ll hurt them.”

“I don’t want to say goodbye.” A choked sob escaped my childlike form.

Silence grew between us as they put their cup down. She stood up, the gentle scraping of the chair pulling my attention away from the window once more.

“Come on, it’s time we start on our next path.” She walked over to me and held out her hand, a soft look in her suddenly younger eyes.

Her hand was small, but mine was smaller when I put it in hers. She helped me out of my chair and the two of us made our way into the blank white, softly fading as we walked away from our red patterned china.

“I’m sad.” Was all I could whisper as we started to become less and less tangible.

“That’s ok. It’s ok to be sad.” She whispered back. “But where we’re going is a lot better that where we’ve been, ok?”

“Ok.” With a soft smile the two faded completely into the quickly darkening expanse of white.

There was a lot of silence, and then black flooded my mind as I came to.

“How was that…?” The soft voice of my therapist whispered when they noticed my stirring.

I was silent for a moment as I gathered my bearings once more. Looking around the familiar office that looked more like a living room.

“I-“ i choked out, struggling to speak through tears I hadn’t yet realized we’re streaming down my face.

“Take your time…” they whispered again as they passed a small cup of water and a few tissues to me while I slowly sat up.

More moments of silence passed as I collected myself some more. The tears still slid down my face as I sipped from the clear plastic cup and stared out the window at the white winter scape.

“I think-.” I began after what seemed like an eternity. “No, not think….”

Another stretch of soft silence spanned in the room, the light ticking of their clock the only tangible sound to me.

“I said goodbye to them. To her and to…” I shook my head as more tears welled up into my eyes.

“It’s ok, I know who you’re talking about. It’s ok, you did great.”

About 20 minutes later I was helped out of my therapist’s office and down to the car as my mother walked beside us, worriedly looking me up and down as she held my things.

Once I was settled safely into the vehicle my therapist and the kind security guard said goodbye and left us to be on our way.

It was silent between mother and I, and for the first time it was a comfortable silence.

“So… how was the meditative session?” She finally asked as we drove along the backroads.

“It was… good.” I murmured softly, quietly sipping at the tea I had brought with me.

“You’ve never come out of it so…”

“Wobbly?” I huffed a soft laugh.

“Out of it…” her gaze flicked over to me for a moment before refocusing on the road. “But yes, also very wobbly. You nearly fell down when the elevator stopped.”

“Yeah, that was an experience.”

“Did you…” my mother softly started, letting her words hang in the air between us.

“Yeah… Yeah I did.” I paused as I looked out the car window to stare at the world of white zipping by.

“What did Doctor—….”

“They said that it’s ok to grieve their loss, but that if I held onto them any longer I would just be hurting us.” I murmured, repeating the words of my therapist. “That even though they were just the representations of my past selves ,it was ok to grieve them leaving. Because at some point I loved them, even if i struggle to do so now, I did love them. That saying goodbye to a part of myself that I’ve been clinging to for so long is hard, and that I’ve worked hard to finally be able to let them go.” I finished softly, falling back into a comfortable silence with my mother.

I stared out the window as I let the scene from my session slip from my mind. Sighing softly, I raised my red pattered thermos to my lips and sipped on my favorite pink tea.

- An excerpt from a story Moki-Mori wrote a while ago.