my mental illnesses

brain broken from every emotion,

Lacking the ability to handle any commotion,

Cats got my tongue, and someone took my heart.

I'd love to speak but I don't know where to start,

Lord, I pray every day that this ongoing suffering may go away,

But now I'm stuck on the floor with tears, and blurred vision with nothing to say.

I always used to have so much to say.

But my head can't wrap around the idea of being stable,

And when it comes to believing in the idea of love, I see it a fable.

This lack of love stems from me though, my family will claim

As if my depression is something I could possible begin to tame.

They don't understand, and neither do I,

Most nights I'm screaming on the floor even struggling to cry,

emotion has my mind spinning and every wall caving in,

I try to stand but the dots cloud my vision and the room starts to spin.

Pounding and throbbing overtakes my brain,

as if someone is beating me over the head with a cane.

I can't breathe, and I'm not sure I want to anymore,

and my best friend begins to be the comfort that i find laying on the floor,

"Don't let them walk all over you" they will advise,

as if I can see through people's facades and their lies.

I'm not a genius, just a girl, and hardly that anymore.

because most days I struggle to even walk out the door.

But the problem is me, once again. 

As if not knowing how to cope is possibly a sin. 

I'm not a bad a person, I just don't know what I should say,

I don't hate people, I just get in the way.

So please remind me how I'm out of control,

and how I've completely wrecked my soul,

As if, I don't feel bad enough ,

They tell me I need to learn how to be tough.

and how do you be tough?

How do I fight what's only in my head?

How do I grasp the pleasure in the thought of being dead?

They expect me to be alright with a constant repeating of "you're okay"

Yet I struggle in and out , still, every single day.