Inked In Crimson #14 (She)

Daniel.

The letters are soaked.

They arrived in a simple, white envelope addressed to me, brought by a soldier in Union uniform. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him at the door and I steeled myself for arrest. That, however, was not his purpose. His voice is thundering in my ears. 'This was in the possession of Daniel Adams. He would have wanted you to have it.' Gently spoken. Cruel words.

When nightmares were no longer frightening

Reality chokes me

I speak

Silence responds

The explosions I hear are not your voice

My hands

Brush thin air

Maybe it's myself I cannot heal

I poured all my emotion

Into an apparition

I am empty.

You are gone.

Why could the universe not sentence me to a punishment less agonizing? I was prepared for anything but this, Daniel. I chose my loyalty over my love, and here I sob on the floor, both shattered. The Confederacy lost the battle. Your eyes closed forever.

I wish time had stopped when your heart did, but I seem to be the only one frozen while the universe is still in motion and the battle outside rages on.

Visiting army camp again would be akin to willfully tearing myself into shreds. Would I do so, for nothing more than information? I do not know- that is a question from another life.

Right now, all that exists is you and I. I am broken, damaged, exhibiting the kind of weakness I would never have expected of myself. Shattered, free for now but caged within memories. As for you- you may not be here in form, but your words are still speaking to me. Your letters weave up a presence in this room, so that there are not one but two souls here tonight, mutely watching an ill-fated love slip back into the nonexistence from which it arose.

I can't stop the tears as I write this last letter, which your eyes shall never glimpse. The mental image of your body, the light of life snuffed out by merciless pieces of metal, makes me want to cry out. Yet I cannot make a sound and my screams are soundless exhalations, my face contorted into a picture of helpless disbelief. Streams of tears run down my cheeks and drip onto the paper; my mouth tastes of salt. There are pages and pages written in your hand. My gaze runs blindly across the lines and the print is sharp and clear one moment, hopelessly blurred the next.

'I’m like that fallen leaf from a withered maple tree, only waiting for some sweet, soothing breeze to lift me up from the dirt that borders my saddened life. You are that string of emotions, to which my kite of feelings is tied.'

Day has darkened into night as I read these for the thousandth time since morning, yet all my shattered soul can make out is a few fragments of sense.

'I'm feeling betrayed. By you.'

'If you have a heart as great as your love, forgive me and my stone heart for whatever I’ve done...'

I want to rip the letters into tiny pieces, just as the memory of your smile rips my heart brutally into two, so that I may never know the physical pain of reading these words again.

'You are the thought of my mind, the emotion of my heart, and the utterance of my mouth. You are the spell that has left me spellbound. You have given wings to my words, waves to my senses, and companionship to my isolation.'

The very next moment I clasp the bundle of sheets to my chest, running my fingers over the words you wrote. Your thoughts are enshrined in those lines. I hold the letters gingerly in my hands- a glimpse into the life we were not destined to know. They are all that is left of you.

I realize that I was not the only one who embarked on a doomed voyage to find love.

I sat by the ocean

I braved the storms

Waded into the waves

Drowned in the waters

Sank to the bottom

Of a sea of bliss-

I opened my eyes

There was only

A dry, parched, gaping pit

Where I lay

There I still, lifeless, stay.

It was nothing more than a momentary spark, yet it seems to me like a connection that endures, joining me to you, wherever you are now. The wind whispers in your voice but when I look around, I am alone. I plead with the wind to bring you back. It scatters the letters around me, where I lay on the cold gray floor.

'Dear Katherine...'

It is surreal to think that you wrote these to me. You, who were a constant of stability and joy in a life full of rapid changes and betrayal, you who were a beacon of hope for people lost on dark seas, the face of optimism, so innocent yet so wise with experience- you wrote these to me, a faltering, disloyal, girl who did nothing to deserve you. Yet you penned these words, and they are addressed to me. It is unbelievable. A part of me surges with ecstasy, then plummets into an unending pit when reality comes rushing back.

'Yours, and yours forever,

Daniel'

It's not just tears, all my emotions are pouring out of my eyes in a stream that I will never be able to stop. Alone without comfort, I weep into a worn blanket. I pull myself together, only to break down again. There is a cold chill in my stomach and I feel like someone is punching me in the ribs. "Daniel," I whisper in an exhausted, broken voice, hesitantly touching the line where you have signed the letter. Your name sounds foreign in my voice. I am not fit to pronounce it, but it is so beautiful. As I train myself to forget your face, that name will be all I own. "Daniel," I repeat, staring with an empty gaze at the letters on the floor. "Please... give me one more chance."

I would sacrifice anything right now for one more moment with you.

Yet, no matter how much I repent, the breath of life does not flow through your body. Your eyes cannot see my tears. The mysteries deep within them are locked forever to the world. The warmth of your skin has disappeared from your lifeless hands. Your voice will never again fill up a melancholy afternoon.

Memories are all that remain. My own actions, perhaps, have cursed me to spend my days with only solitude for company and my nights in dreams, which seem so real that waking up each morning will be akin to losing you all over again.

Those memories are the only places worth living in now. I know not what shall happen to me henceforth, yet I know that you gave me the most beautiful days of my life, and blissful golden moments to cherish.

Whatever befalls me, one thing is for sure.

I shall remember you, Second Lieutenant Daniel Adams, until my soul is reunited with yours.

Yours forever,

Katherine