Puer Aeternus

Wayne woke up in the closet. He looked around at the Alice in Wonderland books and wondered how much longer he was supposed to sit there in silence. He remembered Laurie saying something like, “Wayne, don’t you dare move a muscle,” and the sound of shutting and locking the small door.

His eyes focused on a small square patch of green in the corner. He realized years later it was a tiny portion of his father’s thermal shirt. Wayne would try to hold his breath for one hundred seconds and start the counting all over again. He usually could make it to 54. Sometimes Laurie would come home and say something like, “Dear Wayne, you can come out now,” and laugh the loudest of laughs that made his teeth hurt and he would run out to the bathroom, feeling like he was about to shit himself. He could never tell if he actually was and would reach behind to check.

This memory popped in his brain as he was eating ramen noodles, looking across the wooden bar, for a second not knowing what was real and he asked his friend Suzie if he looked the way he normally looked.

“Do you like this place?”

“Of course I do, Wayne, I like almost anything you suggest.”

He thought about Texas and the dry air that came with it. He put his finger to his mouth and ran it along his teeth to make sure that he was still there. He walked slowly to the bar, he wanted rest more than anything else, a text from Tom flashed across the screen: “Will this be the night you finally stay in bed for the entire night?”

Wayne woke up and opened his closet door. He crawled out and the bright sun aggressively hit his face. He tried to get the strength to close the purple curtains that Suzie had put up for him. He walked across the room, noticed the soiled jeans on the floor, and felt better once the purple folds were closed together. An image of Suzie with her head back laughing flashed by. His eyes had focused on her crooked cigarette stained teeth at the time. He wondered how much she knew about his relationship with his closet.

He turned back towards the closet and studied the contents inside. He hated all of his clothes. He picked the subtlest colors and tried to match it with his stained pants. “Fuck, this life.” He took a short breath and realized that he wasn’t feeling well.

He thought of him and Tom in the grocery store. Looking at Tom’s full head of hair and young eyes, realizing he was falling in love. They had met at a mutual friend’s coffee shop. Both talking to the friend, Tom feeling extremely attracted to Wayne’s grey hair and comforting voice, Wayne feeling attracted to Tom’s playful eyes and fast mouth, both knowing the attraction was mutual and playing the game of ignoring it.

They had spent the day talking, eating, fucking, and starting the cycle all over again. The sun had been down for about an hour and Wayne felt his chest tighten. He didn’t want to take his arms off of Tom or leave the white comforter, but he knew he wouldn’t have the strength to stay.

“I really would love to stay, but my friend Suzie, who I’ve known for years, she’s got terminal cancer and on chemo. I like to be there, especially at night, she’s fallen in the shower a couple of times, and as you can imagine, it’s just hard for her to be alone.”

“Oh fuck, Wayne, I’m so sorry, that’s awful.”

Wayne hadn’t even thought of the lie before speaking, it naturally tumbled out. Tom hadn’t even asked him to stay. Wayne panicked and could feel his entire body stiffen.

“You know, I’m really all she’s got. She’s been estranged from her family, the gay shit you know how it goes, and we’ve both been bad at relationships. Shit. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this. I just met you. I don’t really talk about it. I apologize, this is really intense, maybe I’m just an intense person and didn’t know that about myself because I’ve been alone for so long.”

He felt Tom’s concerned stare as he shuffled into his loose jeans. He resented the sincerity in Tom’s voice. Wayne kissed his tight mouth and got out of there as quickly as he could.

The memories came in huge waves as he put his hand on the closet door. Every night ended the same as every morning began the same.

The memory Wayne fell asleep to that night included walking the long stretch to school and how he had trouble smiling as a child. He thought about the sketchy sex he had with Wendy in the bleachers. He could touch her leg without feeling bad about himself and no one seeing. He noticed her brown hair and her pearl necklace. He remembered wishing that he had felt more in that moment. Her body responded with such intensity which made his mouth immediately shut. Something wasn’t right. But he had to move through the motions to prove that he was alive.

The next night he looked around the bar and thought that maybe he had truly never known anyone. He thought about all the conversations he had heard over the years, and how it always left him envying the people who seemed to know each other in the way where you were able to see and understand all their layers. He had ignored Tom for over a week now. Tom began to verbalize his frustration with how guarded and far away Wayne always was. Wayne's mind went blank when he thought of Tom now, there was nothing for him to say. He chuckled to himself and pretended that the cooler needed restocking.

When Laurie opened the door once in the middle of the night she had asked Wayne what he was thinking about.

“I imagined the world as a flat piece of ice and I was floating on top of it with a blanket made of feathers.”

“Oh baby, that’s so pretty, don’t ever let that go.” She gave him a wet kiss on his mouth and her breath smelled of gin.

The phone kept flashing. Another text from Tom: “What the fuck Wayne? You’re a 54-year old man and you’re acting like a fucking child. PICK UP THE PHONE.” Three more phone calls from Tom. Wayne watched his name blink over and over again. He rubbed his hands together to try and feel something.

He walked up the brown steps to the apartment he had shared with Suzie for twenty-two years. He walked in to see Tom’s piercing, angry hazel eyes. Wayne had loved those eyes. There were tears streaming down Suzie’s face. “I’m so sorry, Wayne, I didn’t know. He started asking all these questions, and all the anxieties and worry started coming out. I love you so much, Wayne, oh fuck. Please don’t push me away.” Tom was yelling, but Wayne couldn’t make out any of the words. It was as if Tom was shouting at him from the other end of a tunnel. He started to walk across the white and blue tiles of their small kitchen when he suddenly lost his balance. He reached for Suzie’s legs and buried his head in her lap and let the tears start to fall. 

She stroked his grey hair, rubbed his back, and whispered in his ear, “Don’t worry, Wayne, you’re safe here. As long as we’re together, we’ll be safe.”