Old and Fat

I can't believe I let myself get old and fat. I can feel my value in the sexual marketplace plummeting with every year older I get.

And people tell me it's a good thing to no longer attract predatory men but what they don't seem to understand is that that's fucking all of them.

They all want to fuck teenagers.

And my desirability to older, richer, more powerful men felt like a lifeline.

It doesn't really matter that I'm only 21 and only a size 4. I have grown in more ways than one. I am heavier now in more ways than one.

And I will never get my youth back because I traded it away in exchange for inconsequential men pretending to listen to me. Pretending to see me as more than a fleshlight.

But my older, fatter body is proof that I survived. That I learned how to grocery shop and cook. That I choose the anti-depressants that worked over the ones that killed my appetite.

And maybe that isn't any better, maybe it just is.