Finding My Community

I am a strange person. I often feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. I feel alien around my peers and around strangers. I’m like the least formal, proper, elegant, polite person. Not that I’m rude or obscene or purposefully clashing with society. I like people and I want people to like me. I feel like other people are so personable, charming, polite, and proper and I feel weird interacting with them because those social norms feel so fake and alien to me.

It’s like every new meeting, whether in a store, in a business setting, in a park, or just a new neighbor is like meeting a president or a king or a sage or a prodigy or a genius and then there is me. Awkward, introverted, clumsy, nerdy, dorky me with my newbie conversational skills that make toddlers sound like Einstein. I say things meant to be complimentary or positive and they come across like insults or negative backlashes. I’m not negging and usually what I say is not a fallacy.

Example: I had an acquaintance, maybe already a friend (I have trouble telling when acquaintances become friends), that I was trying to broach friendship with and she was moving away and we were hanging out before her family moved to another state. She was explaining her family dynamics to me and how her son’s biological father got to have him for summer. She told me that his father’s side of the family were Hispanic and that they migrated from Mexico. She and her husband visited with him and his family because they were not on bad terms and they always had a lot of Mexican food and had a good time together. I said a comment on how lucky she was because authentic Mexican food (or authentic food from any culture) is better than the American spin on it.

I’m not sure how I phrased it or how she took it but she looked at me like I was a racist idiot. All I meant by my comment was, that Mexican food made by Mexican people not only is healthier, but also tastes so much better. I try so hard to fit in with society but I’m strange, different, my frame of thought comes across wrong. It’s like, even though we both speak English, it’s like we have different versions of English with slightly different meanings.

I’m a spiritual person, not really religious, but I believe in souls and higher purposes and spiritual journeys and growth. We are here to learn and grow and find out who we are and what special gifts and talents we have. I believe in being nonjudgmental, all inclusive (except where real evil is concerned), loving, compassionate, and encouraging. I never mean any words I say to sound mean, hateful, racist, or spiteful. I love all peoples and I’m happy that we are so unique and individual. My favorite part of my life journey is when I meet twin-flames and soul siblings who are weird and goofy like me. I feel like I can breath, be myself, like I’m with my community. There aren’t many of us but I’m happy just to have one or two people who truly understand who I am. I’m still thankful for all the other people in my life who are different from me and I value our relationship but there is just something special about finding people who are just like you.

I've been reading a lot of other people's literary works, and some of the thoughts and feelings the pieces evoked in me, inspired me to write about how I feel about myself in society. I really feel unseen and misunderstood but not in a dark and brooding manner.